Sent: 1/28/2002 8:18 PM
Remind me on Friday NOT to go out and have a big juicy medium rare steak with twice-baked potatoes and buttered green beans with a large frosty coke, for that is my predicament currently. All or nothing. Craziness.
And with that, my friends, I wish you a good night. I'm going to check my e-mail and then wander towards the roof to take a look at the bright sandy moon. Did you see it last night? Beautifully Full.
Sent: 1/23/2002 5:16 PM
Ever stop to watch birds fly from tree to tree. They have more freedom than humans as we are bound to our own enslavements.
Break free!
Sent: 1/21/2002 6:14 PM
Nezerly and I walked over the park yesterday, hot cocoa and coffee in hand. We arrived to see a white
Laughter filled the air.
Babies discovered snow for the first time. Their little hands reaching out to this white stuff that had somehow appeared all over the place. Wow! Freezing sensations run through them. They gurgle a smile. Snow is cold.
Two little boys followed their parents out of the park, each with a snowball in hand. "Are you saving those?" I asked. His mom answered that the snowballs were going in Ziploc bags and into the freezer for safe-keeping. For them, the miracle of snow was hard to let go. They may not keep the snow, but they'll always have the memory.
It felt like I was walking in the song, "Winter Wonderland". The bare trees were now fruitful in their white branches. The ground was a multi-dimensional mono-chrome. The sun played with the ice, casting reflections of color onto the white. It was beautiful. It was its own.
A mother and young daughter were cautiously climbing into an inner-tube at the top of a hill. We stopped to watch them giggle and laugh at the mere anticipation of the fall. Settled in their seats, they yelled, "READY!", and a young grandmother came up behind them and gave them a good push. With screams of excitement, they raced along the snow towards the valley. The grandmother looked on laughing in joy. When the inner-tube stopped, bright smiles exited, the mother pleading, "Do you want to do it again?"
Lots of snowmen lined the park. I wish we had had a camera to take pictures of them all. Each its own work of art. A father and daughter of three or four had built two, toddler-sized snow-well, I guess I should say snow-PEOPLE. The father gave the snowlady beautiful locks of pine needles as he called his daughter over to take a look. She didn't seem too impressed with his styling, but she thought it would be okay. We laughed and laughed.
It was a wonderful time, more wonderful because I got to share it with Nezerly. =)
Sent: 1/18/2002 11:41 PM
It's really starting to annoy me that no one trusts anyone, ever. I know, everyone's been hurt. Everyone's guarding themselves, keeping everyone else at bay. Don't come too close. I don't want to be hurt ever again, ever. It's no wonder our world is so cold. Everyone keeps their fires hidden, fearful that buring them brightly may lead to their smoke.
Hidden or buring brightly, smoke they will become.
It's really starting to annoy me that no one trusts me! It baffles me. Why would someone not trust me? Stop laughing, you guys, I'm being serious! Don't you think I'm pretty trustworthy?
I think I am.
The Trust Issuer. You know the ones, the people that talk of me having to EARN their trust. Rubbish. Their trust is not to be earned, nor is there is a price-tag on my trustworthiness.
And what is this, "It takes a long time for someone to earn my trust"? Long time? Do you have a "long time" to wait?
Well I don't. I'm living.
Trust me immediately, and I'll do the same.
Happy world.
Sent: 1/16/2002 11:38 PM
I know. I do know.
I know what alone feels like. I feel alone a lot. In fact, as I type this, I feel so very alone. Like no one understands me. Like no one "gets" me. Like I wonder if anyone ever will. I sit and talk with people; I see them not listening, I hear them not understanding. Like I wonder if anyone will. Someday, but in this lifetime?
Ah, but it's the feeling of alone that I feel now that makes me so sad. It is this feeling of alone now that pushes all hope aside for the moment. How troublesome to think that I might be destined for this life alone! Of course, if that is what must be, then so be it. Nevertheless, alas, it makes me so sad just the same.
For oh how wonderful the feeling must be to wrap someone in your arms and hold and know! Oh how wonderful this feeling must be to want to share every single part of your body and soul with another! Oh how wonderful! Oh how I long for it!!!
Hmmmmm. There is a foul taste to that longing. That longing seems to have taken higher priority than it should. Perhaps it is this longing that keeps this wonderful feeling at arms length from me. Yes, the very thing that I want may be kept from me to teach me a life lesson.
But, yuck. I'm tired of lessons! Haven't I learned enough?
Not nearly enough.
Sent 1/10/2002 12:00 PM
On December 28th, I made an appointment with Verizon (our telephone company) to connect our telephone in our new apartment. I was certainly disturbed by the fact that the appointment would have to take place within a 4 (four) hour time-frame in which I would have to wait at my apartment for their service-persons to arrive. Nevertheless, trying to be understanding of Verizon's vast service-orders, I agreed to wait at my apartment on January 9th from 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. for someone to come and connect our phone.
Graciously, my boss allowed me to leave work at 12:30 p.m. to go home and wait for Verizon to arrive. There I sat and waited. 1:00 p.m. no Verizon. 2:00 p.m. no Verizon. 3:00 p.m. no Verizon. 4:00 p.m. no Verizon. 5:00 p.m. no Verizon. 5:30 p.m. no Verizon. Yes, Verizon never showed. 4 hours of my life I allowed Verizon to have in order to receive a phone line, only to have Verizon's neglect say that my time is not valuable to them. Why should it be? I'm only a number to them. Does Verizon regard me as a human being? Does Verizon realize that I'm a person rescheduling his life for them? Obviously not.
Today when I called Verizon to express my disappointment and anger at their negligence, the very nice operator told me that he would reschedule my appointment for Friday (between 8:00am & 5:00pm), that the service-person would try to get in via my super, and that he would waive the $55.00 installation fee. I hung up feeling much better.
But then it hit me! Through this transaction, Verizon is stating that 4 hours of Chad Gurley's life is worth approximately $55.00. Wow! It made me stop to think, just what is my time worth??? What is one second of my life worth? What is one year of my life worth? My heart screams that my time is worth much more than $55.00! My soul says that my time is priceless, that there could never be an earthly measure of what my time is worth! However, the society in which we live puts a monetary value on each human being's time, ALL the time. This is wrong! This is injustice!
We must change the world my friends. If you think you are free, you are wrong. We are all slaves to this "reality" in which we naively believe. It's time we STOP being "realistic", and start freeing our souls from this captivity. The time in your life is precious. It comes only once, and then is gone. Every second that ticks by is a real one that you'll never be able to retrieve again. Let it be known, your time is valuable. Let it be known that your LIFE is valuable, as is every life on the planet.
Sent: 1/8/2002 12:58 PM
"..........I want to know your opinion about relationships.....from reading your journal , I know that you are not dating anyone right now.....I just think that relationships are so hard...they are almost impossible. I just dont know anyone that has been in a relationship for some time and is very happy. I think the challenge is to understand each other and of course respect each other but that is so hard. What do u think? I have been single for 2 years and it is not because I am trying to prove something but I just refuse to lower my standards. What can I say...I know what I want. I feel that I am special enought to be 100% happy........"
* * * * *
Golly, relationships. That's such a hard one for me too. I don't even know where to begin. In fact, just this weekend, I was lying in my bed looking out the window, watching the stars, wondering what it would feel like to have someone next to me as I did that. I can't help but think that would be an amazing experience. But, alas, it isn't happening right now.
I'm one of those hopeless romantics that believes that there is someone out there who will just "get me", you know? Someone where it isn't a lot of work, where it's like peanut-butter and jelly. Someone that's definitely different than me, but compliments me just perfectly. I want a relationship in which conflicts may arise, but, together, we always manage to find the happy solution. I want my soul-mate. I want that person that pushes me higher than I ever thought I could fly.
Are my expectations too high? Most people would say yes, that I'm being unrealistic. (But what is realism anyway?) Everyone is quick to criticize me and say that I am being selfish waiting around for this "right" one. But, I say, if it happens, if I ever meet him, then I'll be the benefactor of my patience, and it will be so worth it! (Not to mention the benefits I will bestow on HIM! I'm not that selfish.) =)
I look around at my friends. These are also people that "get me". In a different way, of course, than a lover. Nevertheless, these people are beautiful additions to my life. Sure, we have our ups and downs, but there is the core fiber of love and connection that withstands the battles. They aren't "work".
Ahhhh - but this patience thing is so DIFFICULT! Ugh. I hate waiting. At 28, I'm feeling so very tired of not having someone. It becomes so depressing, especially when my roommate is dating someone, and they are lost in puppy-love embraces. Oh, how sad it makes me to think that I have no one that I can do that with. I have no one to hold, no one to kiss, no one to shower with emotion. Don't get me wrong, there have been great romances thus far, very intense and beautiful romances but short-lived and awkward. I would like feel like I'm ready for the intense romance that is fluid and last a life-time, but only God knows if that's the case. Maybe it's just not time. Maybe I still have some stuff to learn in life before I find it. Maybe I need to continue learning how to love myself - which is a brand new thing for me. But that's another story for another time.
Whatever the case, I just try to keep hope that he's out there somewhere. He's doing something right now. Maybe he's drinking a cup of coffee and chatting with his co-workers. Maybe he's tossing pizzas for lunch. Maybe he's teaching 2nd graders. Who knows? But someday our paths will cross, and we'll look at each other and hardly remember life without one another. Hope.
I hope this kind of gives you an idea of me and relationships and why I'm not dating anyone right now. It's not that I don't want to. I just haven't met him yet.
A huge thanks goes out to the following for helping us move:
Mikey
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You have no idea how much that meant to both Leon and me. Without you, it never would have happened, so MUCHOS GRACIAS!
Yes, friends and family, we are moved into our new apartment, and by the grace of God, TRULY, every single piece of our furniture was small enough to fit into the elevator at our new building, so nothing had to be lugged up seven (count 'em : 7) flights of stairs! Yeah rah!
Now what Leon and I want to know is, what the heck is in all these boxes cluttering the new place? We'll soon see.
Sent: 1/3/2002 2:07 PM
Kermit the Frog used to sing, "It's not easy being green." Oh how I loved that song. Not because I was particularly green, but more because I understood the feeling. Sometimes, it's not easy being me. Sometimes I find it pretty rough. Of course, it's not easy for any of us to be ourselves. We've become so accustomed to the masks that we wear in this masquerade called life, that we forget who we really are or, if we do know, how to be that with everyone we encounter. The masks are much easier. Nevertheless, I've been trying not to wear one at all lately.
Trying to be maskless and comfortable in my greeness, I went out into the masquerade last night and got swindled for $10.00, my own fault for being blinded by the message and forgetting to recognize its source. Funny how that happens. Lesson learned, hopefully. Nevertheless, aside from that damper, I had a really amazing time. See, I haven't been out in forever, but a friend of mine from
The ironic thing is that I find myself reflecting on one side of last night's coin more than the other? The side that says,
Questions.