Sent: 12/29/2003 9:04 PM
no matter what
in two thousand four
know
God's Love
won't let go
of no one
oh no
just Know
His Love.
we all go Home
so Love
in 2004
SOAR!
Monday, December 29, 2003
Thursday, December 4, 2003
WORD : i feel good
Sent: 12/4/2003 9:07 PM
i feel good. there were a lot of recent disappointments. yet i feel good. none of those lavishly apparent affirmations really matter. for when you feel the plan, the true plan for you, His plan, wrap its arms around you, true, and you know none of it is in vain cause your doing what your soul tells you to, it is good. all good. we're doing what we do. for Him. and that's His Will. in His Time. oh, what will? The will that says He Will. know that He Will prove you through = all time. And beyond.
You are you.
Christ blessed you.
so i feel good.
i feel good
it's True.
i feel good. there were a lot of recent disappointments. yet i feel good. none of those lavishly apparent affirmations really matter. for when you feel the plan, the true plan for you, His plan, wrap its arms around you, true, and you know none of it is in vain cause your doing what your soul tells you to, it is good. all good. we're doing what we do. for Him. and that's His Will. in His Time. oh, what will? The will that says He Will. know that He Will prove you through = all time. And beyond.
You are you.
Christ blessed you.
so i feel good.
i feel good
it's True.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
WORD : clicks in time
Sent: 11/20/2003 11:34 PM
clicks in time
hear me up, hear me loud
clicks of my mind
i got SomeOne to make proud
hear my click in time
i feel like a rhyme, so
hear my song here
with some sincere
clicks in time
hears my mind
you see, clicks in time
headline through my night
just before my sight
clicks play through my sighs
i see them
as they go one to another
some jump, others run for cover
i see the things they show, so
i read what someone says i should know
and honestly i have to sing along
that something's seeming wrong
concerning that life's click say
struggling in the world today
so much so it may
remain my blues song
about these clicks in time
here's my mind
clicks in time
human god dollared system
and you know what i'm talking about
if you refuse to kiss them
playing monopoly while so many crying
the man behind the curtain perpetually lying
our only knowing believing his damning
while no one is awakened to our family
that's been born on that side
of that click in time
we seem to only want to know
if their reasons lie
and yet we're better, why?
these heard in my here
something we should fear
in my clicks in time
give a piece to my mind
during these clicks in time
i hear that the world is just fine
it's simply someone else's position
based completely on their own decisions
we are all just game pieces of life
and guess what, whiner
you're granted something worthy through strife
p.s. i am sorry you can't be the wife
but honestly this life is your life
for the now is not trite
hear voices stir from inside
an appeasement of kind
but i wonder if any are mine
as they all seem so blight, right
around those clicks in time
give peace to the mind
laugh, smile
it would seem Grace a crime
and evil to succumb to sublime
yet, you are Mine
and you are you
and that should do
therefore, there's enough
for paragraphs to say it's true
as certainly all your relays came
and without them you wouldn't be the same
like a sudden cliff on the even plain
faith proved you true
and is defining you through
that is especially you
to thine own self be true
and still there's something more to do
love others while loving yourself too
and you do
for these are yours and Mine
these clicks in time
feed my mind
clicks in time
there before me is static vision
mobs rant after whatever seems evil
looking under rocks for the devil
spirituality on a "right or wrong" mission
leaving forgiveness only "in permission"
love escaping everyone's attention
and if i shall, may i just mention
if God's Love has no conditions
and all and everything is His Divine Creation
then don't you think He must Love Satan
and Hope for reconciliation
with His prodigal son
we sin, so you and i are one
the story isn't done
until God's Spiritual War is won
through many many clicks in time
blow my mind
it's all a sign
that we should all align
we all should stop stop
stop and listen
as our human judgment simply isn't fixing
what is wrong in life
what is right sight
what is moral when alone
naked, completely utterly shown
before humanity's jury table
and in front of the Throne
i wonder if human snaps are stable
new fables, are they capable?
and then suddenly explodes a new fight
all seeming out of despite
for any other rights
adding fuel to the flames
forgetting we're Ultimately the same
humanity stop, listen, hear the parable
of the truth in Grace that makes us able
to do our best above the table
even in knowing none here has True might
yet we do our truest mes here this time
it could all be just fine
in these clicks in time
heart to mind
all Is fine
don't you see My honey
you are here and you're loving
doing your best daily
Grace allows those clicks
when you aren't able
it's something that is hard to find
something that seems away from the mind
yet something that you seek to find
during these clicks in time
meek the Love that is Mine
in each click in life
each click
each instance
each moment
each blink
of your lifetime
is the treasure you've found
the kindness you resound
sing the truth loud
in your clicks in your mind
just fine
it's time
every soul is it's own
but instead of searching for our tone
we frantically screech at 'sinners' to hate
in order to make us feel better about our weight
an inch closer in line at Heaven's gate?
no, we really need to start to listen
and leave all the judging
to Something Else physically Missing
for from my own personal perspective
and honestly being quite objective
there's something about those clicks i say
in the world today
that says we'd better start loving
while we still have the chance
just before
His soon Appearance
What a Click in Time.
clicks in time
hear me up, hear me loud
clicks of my mind
i got SomeOne to make proud
hear my click in time
i feel like a rhyme, so
hear my song here
with some sincere
clicks in time
hears my mind
you see, clicks in time
headline through my night
just before my sight
clicks play through my sighs
i see them
as they go one to another
some jump, others run for cover
i see the things they show, so
i read what someone says i should know
and honestly i have to sing along
that something's seeming wrong
concerning that life's click say
struggling in the world today
so much so it may
remain my blues song
about these clicks in time
here's my mind
clicks in time
human god dollared system
and you know what i'm talking about
if you refuse to kiss them
playing monopoly while so many crying
the man behind the curtain perpetually lying
our only knowing believing his damning
while no one is awakened to our family
that's been born on that side
of that click in time
we seem to only want to know
if their reasons lie
and yet we're better, why?
these heard in my here
something we should fear
in my clicks in time
give a piece to my mind
during these clicks in time
i hear that the world is just fine
it's simply someone else's position
based completely on their own decisions
we are all just game pieces of life
and guess what, whiner
you're granted something worthy through strife
p.s. i am sorry you can't be the wife
but honestly this life is your life
for the now is not trite
hear voices stir from inside
an appeasement of kind
but i wonder if any are mine
as they all seem so blight, right
around those clicks in time
give peace to the mind
laugh, smile
it would seem Grace a crime
and evil to succumb to sublime
yet, you are Mine
and you are you
and that should do
therefore, there's enough
for paragraphs to say it's true
as certainly all your relays came
and without them you wouldn't be the same
like a sudden cliff on the even plain
faith proved you true
and is defining you through
that is especially you
to thine own self be true
and still there's something more to do
love others while loving yourself too
and you do
for these are yours and Mine
these clicks in time
feed my mind
clicks in time
there before me is static vision
mobs rant after whatever seems evil
looking under rocks for the devil
spirituality on a "right or wrong" mission
leaving forgiveness only "in permission"
love escaping everyone's attention
and if i shall, may i just mention
if God's Love has no conditions
and all and everything is His Divine Creation
then don't you think He must Love Satan
and Hope for reconciliation
with His prodigal son
we sin, so you and i are one
the story isn't done
until God's Spiritual War is won
through many many clicks in time
blow my mind
it's all a sign
that we should all align
we all should stop stop
stop and listen
as our human judgment simply isn't fixing
what is wrong in life
what is right sight
what is moral when alone
naked, completely utterly shown
before humanity's jury table
and in front of the Throne
i wonder if human snaps are stable
new fables, are they capable?
and then suddenly explodes a new fight
all seeming out of despite
for any other rights
adding fuel to the flames
forgetting we're Ultimately the same
humanity stop, listen, hear the parable
of the truth in Grace that makes us able
to do our best above the table
even in knowing none here has True might
yet we do our truest mes here this time
it could all be just fine
in these clicks in time
heart to mind
all Is fine
don't you see My honey
you are here and you're loving
doing your best daily
Grace allows those clicks
when you aren't able
it's something that is hard to find
something that seems away from the mind
yet something that you seek to find
during these clicks in time
meek the Love that is Mine
in each click in life
each click
each instance
each moment
each blink
of your lifetime
is the treasure you've found
the kindness you resound
sing the truth loud
in your clicks in your mind
just fine
it's time
every soul is it's own
but instead of searching for our tone
we frantically screech at 'sinners' to hate
in order to make us feel better about our weight
an inch closer in line at Heaven's gate?
no, we really need to start to listen
and leave all the judging
to Something Else physically Missing
for from my own personal perspective
and honestly being quite objective
there's something about those clicks i say
in the world today
that says we'd better start loving
while we still have the chance
just before
His soon Appearance
What a Click in Time.
Saturday, November 8, 2003
WORD : wrestles in my head
Sent: 11/8/2003 2:41 PM
i wrestle with that part of me
who tries to sabotage my every step
who ignores my every plea
who nourishes secrets kept
i wrestle with that part of me
that daily tries to keep me down
tries to trip, trip, fall me
until life seems hopeless somehow
i wrestle with that voice in my head
who says that I'm not good enough
to make it in this life, said
i'm not good enough
and would be better off dead
i want no part of that part of me
who tells me it cannot be done
who trip, trip, falls me
he says that i'm not good enough
i wrestle with that mood in me
which kills the minutes to the hours
hours to the days to the months to the years
he says i must be tired
and i am
tired
yet i wrestle him tired
knowing
i will prevail
Thank You.
i wrestle with that part of me
who tries to sabotage my every step
who ignores my every plea
who nourishes secrets kept
i wrestle with that part of me
that daily tries to keep me down
tries to trip, trip, fall me
until life seems hopeless somehow
i wrestle with that voice in my head
who says that I'm not good enough
to make it in this life, said
i'm not good enough
and would be better off dead
i want no part of that part of me
who tells me it cannot be done
who trip, trip, falls me
he says that i'm not good enough
i wrestle with that mood in me
which kills the minutes to the hours
hours to the days to the months to the years
he says i must be tired
and i am
tired
yet i wrestle him tired
knowing
i will prevail
Thank You.
WORD : Dwelling
Sent: 11/8/2003 1:58 PM
when human hits skin
the atoms throw spin
lightening strikes tone
up the rod of backbone
touch touch feel
connectivity meal
feel
fell
when skin presses flesh
in a deep caress meshed
the being hums warm
in a loved human form
this doesn't feel
much like a deal
deal
dwell
when flesh decays to dust
the moment remembered as trust
fluttered soul downing
life's feathers sounding
proof enough to feel
human existence real
real
rale
when human hits skin
the atoms throw spin
lightening strikes tone
up the rod of backbone
touch touch feel
connectivity meal
feel
fell
when skin presses flesh
in a deep caress meshed
the being hums warm
in a loved human form
this doesn't feel
much like a deal
deal
dwell
when flesh decays to dust
the moment remembered as trust
fluttered soul downing
life's feathers sounding
proof enough to feel
human existence real
real
rale
WORD : Promised Land
Sent: 11/8/2003 1:54 PM
In the palm of His nail scarred hands
He held the Promised Land
To each and everyone
To no one It is ban
In the palm of His nail scarred hands
Love flowed
In the palm of His nail scarred hands
He held the Promised Land
To each and everyone
To no one It is ban
In the palm of His nail scarred hands
Love flowed
Thursday, November 6, 2003
WORD : i can't wait for the day
Sent: 11/6/2003 1:46 AM
i can't wait for the day
when He'll call my name
and i'll lay my head in His shoulder
weeping away the pain
i can't wait for the day
when He'll call my name
and i'll lay my head in His shoulder
weeping away the pain
WORD : the world is in decay
Sent: 11/6/2003 1:20 AM
the world is in decay
vultures hyenas scavengers
have broken apart her skin
are sucking the blood from her veins
her atmosphere shredded
her resources starved
the world is dead
she would have kicked us off by now
if she could
if she even would
so the world is dead
the world is in decay
beetles ants hives
devour history’s excretion of her
simple food their only vice
their lives inside outside
their lives apart
the world is dead
they don't even know she's there
she's there
she's their mother
yet the world is dead
the world is in decay
fungi bacteria microorganisms
= you me us
are completing her decay
releasing new elements
you me us
breathing life into the world
releasing truth that cannot be broken down
you me us
unlock those things dead
beginning a new life chain
you me us
thus
the world is alive
we give her new life
she needs it
she deserves it
we give the new world a say
So thank God for today’s
decay.
the world is in decay
vultures hyenas scavengers
have broken apart her skin
are sucking the blood from her veins
her atmosphere shredded
her resources starved
the world is dead
she would have kicked us off by now
if she could
if she even would
so the world is dead
the world is in decay
beetles ants hives
devour history’s excretion of her
simple food their only vice
their lives inside outside
their lives apart
the world is dead
they don't even know she's there
she's there
she's their mother
yet the world is dead
the world is in decay
fungi bacteria microorganisms
= you me us
are completing her decay
releasing new elements
you me us
breathing life into the world
releasing truth that cannot be broken down
you me us
unlock those things dead
beginning a new life chain
you me us
thus
the world is alive
we give her new life
she needs it
she deserves it
we give the new world a say
So thank God for today’s
decay.
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
WORD : New Leaf
11/5/2003 7:41 PM
November 3, 2003
Tomorrow is Election Day, and we have the day off. I am definitely going to vote, and then do some fall cleaning as the weather insist that summer is still here. In November. Nevertheless, after the ceiling fell in, I've really been procrastinating getting rid of all the dust all over everything. I mean, I've cleaned some. But not that cleaning that it needs. So, tomorrow is the day that I vote and vote for a brand new clean place.
The fall leaves have me reminded to turn over a new leaf.
Tuesday, November 4, 2003
WORD : Chicken Little
Sent: 11/4/2003 12:03 AM
the ceiling crashed down onto my bed. it just took a strong movement. one crack. one break from the mold, and then it crashed down onto my bed. heavy plaster chunked from its position to my pillow laying wasted in dust. more fell, shattering a globe vase i had received as a housewarming gift. glass ricochets from the walls. family photographs were thankfully missed by plaster bombs. they stood in dirty layers. the domino affect ripped my light. it was hurt by another falling over after being hit. it seemed despair. and i felt disaster.
but i was just walking in. turning on my ripped light. seeing what had happened while i was gone. Thankfully not there. not home. light illuminated through the rips. and i saw my own kind of war zone. my home had been devastated, almost demolished. an item that i cherished had disintegrated. i noticed the pillow. my life could have vanished. everything was covered in ash. but Thankfully it had past.
presently, i was still here. i lived to tell about it. the sky fell down into my heart. it just took a strong movement. one crack. one break from atmosphere, and then it fell down into my heart.
Thank God.
Monday, November 3, 2003
WORD : eternity
Sent: 11/3/2003 11:54 PM
catapolt me from this place
that I may attain your higher grace
and leave my footsteps on earth below
until the sands of time have sown
Oh Lord, my God hear my prayer.
That I may do Your Will always,
and live forever in Your Love.
catapolt me from this place
that I may attain your higher grace
and leave my footsteps on earth below
until the sands of time have sown
Oh Lord, my God hear my prayer.
That I may do Your Will always,
and live forever in Your Love.
WORD : rrr
Sent: 11/3/2003 11:49 PM
the rrrr
of a hummer start
the grrrr
of the system's fart
the furrr
of pamela's purr
slur
is that
the word
the terrr
of the red alert
the stirrr
of the party mix
the blurrr
of the media bliz
slur
is that
the word
the burrr
of hibernating winds
the deterrr
of the fence's fence
the pearl
of the snount's nostrils
slur
is that
the word
the herrr
of the wrong been done
the sirrr
of the hate been won
the derrr
of the ridiculous pun
slur
is that
the word
STIR!
the rrrr
of a hummer start
the grrrr
of the system's fart
the furrr
of pamela's purr
slur
is that
the word
the terrr
of the red alert
the stirrr
of the party mix
the blurrr
of the media bliz
slur
is that
the word
the burrr
of hibernating winds
the deterrr
of the fence's fence
the pearl
of the snount's nostrils
slur
is that
the word
the herrr
of the wrong been done
the sirrr
of the hate been won
the derrr
of the ridiculous pun
slur
is that
the word
STIR!
Saturday, November 1, 2003
WORD : verses from my heart
Sent: 11/1/2003 9:33 PM
There are verses from my heart
That hardly seem so smart
But it is true they are my own
And from SomeWhere these were sown
Therefore here my heart I reap
To describe what it is I speak
Love.
There are verses from my heart
That hardly seem so smart
But it is true they are my own
And from SomeWhere these were sown
Therefore here my heart I reap
To describe what it is I speak
Love.
WORD : to forget
Sent: 11/1/2003 4:41 AM
to forget is not to blunder
but is simply to not remember
as the moments in time fly by
and there's so much to remember
that's mine
to forget is not to blunder
but is simply to not remember
as the moments in time fly by
and there's so much to remember
that's mine
WORD : so how you've been?
Sent: 11/1/2003 3:49 AM
So how you've been?
That's a question I've been hearing a lot lately.
So how you've been?
I try to smile and say I'm doing alright, but I'm quite transparent and all my lies seen through.
So so. Okay, so no.
I haven't been doing so good. I've been quite depressed. And honestly, That's a word I hate to read, hear, see or type. But it's true.
Two years after the September 11th, and I had to stop and look around and wonder, where was I, and what was going on? A toddler in recognition. You see, September 11th woke me from a slumber. And I'm grateful. Yet two years later, and what has changed? About me? About the world? Was anything getting better? Where we moving towards love? Loving me. Loving others. And I got so sad that I thought it hadn't.
I opened my eyes to recognize me still grazing. I am simply surviving. I am one of the head. Herd. Heard? Dangling multi-colored lettuce leaves with shine of worth, enslaved from our birth. Some starve as it's out of reach. Other people die because of the gluttony of it. We're almost forced to worship it. It supplies all our needs.
There is a game we play. There is an illusion before our eyes. And we believe it.
I opened my eyes to recognize the world suffering. People dying daily at someone else's hand. Power plays. Military games. Occupation lies. Statues to be built of hate degrading me. Worthless jobs encouraging the economy. Guns in everyone's hands. Blood money on everyone's hands. And I'm so damn close to mourning America, for it so close to lost. Cattle grazing mindlessly, just like me, just waiting for it to be over with. Just get it over with.
Will my life wait so long? There is reality before my eyes. And I believe it.
My life is this
There is only one me
Only one me now
So my time is precious
There is this moment
And my freedom is Heaven sent
And yet again, So how you've been?
Well, I'm realizing that I'm, we're, the world's reaching a head. Ahead. We're becoming aware. Blubbering. Then bubbling. Then burst. We'll speak.
Then do.
So how you've been?
That's a question I've been hearing a lot lately.
So how you've been?
I try to smile and say I'm doing alright, but I'm quite transparent and all my lies seen through.
So so. Okay, so no.
I haven't been doing so good. I've been quite depressed. And honestly, That's a word I hate to read, hear, see or type. But it's true.
Two years after the September 11th, and I had to stop and look around and wonder, where was I, and what was going on? A toddler in recognition. You see, September 11th woke me from a slumber. And I'm grateful. Yet two years later, and what has changed? About me? About the world? Was anything getting better? Where we moving towards love? Loving me. Loving others. And I got so sad that I thought it hadn't.
I opened my eyes to recognize me still grazing. I am simply surviving. I am one of the head. Herd. Heard? Dangling multi-colored lettuce leaves with shine of worth, enslaved from our birth. Some starve as it's out of reach. Other people die because of the gluttony of it. We're almost forced to worship it. It supplies all our needs.
There is a game we play. There is an illusion before our eyes. And we believe it.
I opened my eyes to recognize the world suffering. People dying daily at someone else's hand. Power plays. Military games. Occupation lies. Statues to be built of hate degrading me. Worthless jobs encouraging the economy. Guns in everyone's hands. Blood money on everyone's hands. And I'm so damn close to mourning America, for it so close to lost. Cattle grazing mindlessly, just like me, just waiting for it to be over with. Just get it over with.
Will my life wait so long? There is reality before my eyes. And I believe it.
My life is this
There is only one me
Only one me now
So my time is precious
There is this moment
And my freedom is Heaven sent
And yet again, So how you've been?
Well, I'm realizing that I'm, we're, the world's reaching a head. Ahead. We're becoming aware. Blubbering. Then bubbling. Then burst. We'll speak.
Then do.
WORD : coping skills
Sent: 11/1/2003 2:44 AM
Oh Tig, I hear you on this one. One thing that I have begun: I started having dates with God. A night out of the week. Just me and Him. Often Wwe'd go out. I would just allow my being to carry me where it may on a date night around the city. I take a step out. I look up at the stars. I wonder upon Mars. The moon would blare out of sight, and thus my journey began. My date with God. I start out just meditating, praying, talking to Him, and then I'll travel off on the thoughts He leads me. Wwe seem to twist and turn around issues. Wwe love. Suddenly, it seems, I would notice something or someone and be guided. Perhaps it was a playing card lying on the street facing an ace of hearts. Or a balloon happening past me. And yet, I am amazed at how often it leads to someone who is in need. Someone who needs to be heard. And even if it's a simple conversation about life and what's getting them down, they smile. Things are better. And the night rolls on. Those dates with God prove the most amazing nights. I don't try. I don't push it. I just let it happen. And when I fall deeply in the Spirit, He shows me the most amazing things in the most amazing people. I blessed.
And goodness, I don't know if it makes sense, but it's my own addition. God bless Tig's for leading me here. =)
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
WORD : i write thought
Sent: 10/21/2003 11:49 AM
i write thought
and with it you will find
that little piece of your mind
that thinks like mine
in your way
which I love.
i write thought
and with it you will find
that little piece of your mind
that thinks like mine
in your way
which I love.
Sunday, October 19, 2003
WORD : i didn't go
Sent: 10/19/2003 11:53 AM
I didn't go to church today. I actually woke up from a two-day slumber. I fell asleep on Friday night, and didn't really wake until Sunday afternoon. My lips were blue. My gums were white. My eyes were faded. My skin cracked white. I have been drowning in thoughts as of late. Unconsciousness has seemed my only relief. The anniversary of September 11th has me looking at everything in my life with particular peculiar interest. And I like it. Yet its intensity. But it's different than before. And change is hard. Another year has fallen on a sword. And where am I? Where am I?
I was in the shower, my thoughts swept around me in the mist. My hands massaged shampoo in my hair, my thoughts poured into my ears. Life, life, life. I cried aloud, "My God, help me or I shall go mad." ===> Live, live, live.
I didn't go to church today. I actually woke up from a two-day sleep. Smiling, shining, the Son was in the sky, when I did decide to venture outside from under my stagnant warm covers. Leaves scratched the pavement's itch as pushed along by their invisible force. Wind. Fall. It was time for falling. Leaves me but not forgotten. That before is gone. That after is just beginning. Wind. Fall. New. Thank God for New.
And then I knew. That's where I am. New.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
WORD : Today was breezy
Sent: 10/7/2003 12:24 PM
Today was breezy,
chilly air crisps,
tanned green leaves crisping,
round my sweatered being;
fall is in the air,
and something new is
breezing
in.
Today was breezy,
chilly air crisps,
tanned green leaves crisping,
round my sweatered being;
fall is in the air,
and something new is
breezing
in.
WORD : unguarded
Sent: 10/7/2003 12:22 PM
never before have i wanted to be out there before you as i do now. i don't know why. maybe it's because i've finally begun to allow that of myself. i have been guarded as of late. many angels have flung to my side. i have been blessed. and i am thankful. it is time for me to come unto truth. in fully as is me. the truth me. i can stand for myself. i am enough. enough. and it is good. so good. Good.
Monday, October 6, 2003
WORD : i guess i'm talkin now
Sent: 10/6/2003 2:40 PM
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
the good news
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
great news
news flash it's here
news flash wake up
the good news
news flash it's happening
news flash sleep no more
great news
it's here
loving is real
loving is tight
loving is unique here
new here
different here
real here
loving is trying to know
loving is trying to sow
loving is hoping for love
love here
heaven here
real here
loving is winning the war
loving is living truth
loving is believing in being you
you here
beautiful here
real here
it's here
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
the good news
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
great news
news flash it's here
news flash open wide
the good news
news flash it's clear and true
news flash heal all the blue
great news
it's real
it's wonderful
and it's
here.
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
the good news
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
great news
news flash it's here
news flash wake up
the good news
news flash it's happening
news flash sleep no more
great news
it's here
loving is real
loving is tight
loving is unique here
new here
different here
real here
loving is trying to know
loving is trying to sow
loving is hoping for love
love here
heaven here
real here
loving is winning the war
loving is living truth
loving is believing in being you
you here
beautiful here
real here
it's here
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
the good news
i guess i'm talkin now
i guess i'm telling all
great news
news flash it's here
news flash open wide
the good news
news flash it's clear and true
news flash heal all the blue
great news
it's real
it's wonderful
and it's
here.
WORD : been far away
Sent: 10/6/2003 2:38 PM
I have been away from you for a long time. Far away. You have read my poetry and have tried to make sense of it, I guess. Perhaps. Perhaps it's read. I hope. But my journal.
Well, it seems, and is, years ago that I used to write in this journal so diligently, telling you my every thought. From writing of September 11th to something like a little drama with Verizon over our phone, you have seen a very real part of me. Of my life. I'm blessed to have you along for the journey. Thank you.
After I had written so much, and basically assumed that I had failed, as so many of my causes go undone, I began to pity myself. And others. It is unfortunate that I could become some jaded by all that has happened so quickly within the past few years. The machine didn't even seem to sputter. Everything churns along. The Iraq war went right on as thought, even hoped by some. Almost forgotten is the war on Afghanistan. Oh yes, September 11th is being called out left and right for so many different opinions, I had almost forgotten the day. The actual day. That day. The day it happened. It's hazed by swiftly layered political agendas. Seeking anything from power to money to revenge to fear. America. God help it.
Pouting. I can't help but pout and fume over you little country. New little country. Brand new little country. The blanket of red, white, and blue is not so old. If you are anxious to splash into history, it would be wise to read some and learn from mistakes. Oh, and goo goo you, you do have great promise. Just be careful your tread. Pout. Pout. fume.
I was swept up in watching the present American agenda continue its course towards its seeming oblivion. Alienation doesn't seem common sense when masses of aliens can be destructed. Who's on Mars? Watch your country. And yet it still arrogantly makes newer nukes while murdering so that one other little country doesn't have them. One little group. One single person. Billions of dollars in defense of one person in fear of his breeding more. Who's the alien? The Roman Empire is about to fall.
And yet I said all I thought I could say. No one was listening anyway. I felt as though I was speaking in a digital field in the vast of the pasture late at black night with not a human being in walking distance. So what was the use? Why should I care anymore? Nothing is changing. In fact, it only seems to be getting worse. I don't see any change. Real change in higher places in this world.
I have been away from you for a long time. Far away. You have read my poetry and have tried to make sense of it, I guess. Perhaps. Perhaps it's read. I hope. But my journal.
Well, this is what I'm feeling right now. I've been gurgling. Now I'm going to speak. And my first words. My first words.
WORD : mysterious meetings
Sent: 10/6/2003 2:35 PM
Mysterious meetings moving me.
WORD : you don't understand me
Sent: 10/6/2003 2:33 PM
you don't understand me
you don't give me a chance
you think i'm wrong
you think i'm all screwed up
you don't understand me
you don't give me a chance
to be me
let me be me
you want me to change me
you want me to be different
you know i'm weird
you know i'm strange
you want to change me
you want me to be different
than me
than me being me
you always have something to say
you always push me further
you pull my attention
you pull my libido
you always have something you want
you always force me farther
from me
from me as me
you win every fight being right
you win every battle being in it
you turn me inside
you turn me out
you win every right for the fight
you win every death in the battle
with me
with me for me
you war with me
you war with me
with me
to win me
to win me?
you don't understand me
you just want to dance
you think i'm crazy
you think i think too much
you don't understand me
you don't, i don't think you will
know me
know me i'm me
or don't
you don't understand me
you don't give me a chance
you think i'm wrong
you think i'm all screwed up
you don't understand me
you don't give me a chance
to be me
let me be me
you want me to change me
you want me to be different
you know i'm weird
you know i'm strange
you want to change me
you want me to be different
than me
than me being me
you always have something to say
you always push me further
you pull my attention
you pull my libido
you always have something you want
you always force me farther
from me
from me as me
you win every fight being right
you win every battle being in it
you turn me inside
you turn me out
you win every right for the fight
you win every death in the battle
with me
with me for me
you war with me
you war with me
with me
to win me
to win me?
you don't understand me
you just want to dance
you think i'm crazy
you think i think too much
you don't understand me
you don't, i don't think you will
know me
know me i'm me
or don't
WORD : hu man
Sent: 10/6/2003 2:31 PM
what is this member
of me that salutes
without my telling
it to
what is this member
of me being male
that acts on its own
aside me
what is this member
of my human team
tackling homeruns
with me
this member is a part
of my whole
who i restrain and let lead
me
hu man.
what is this member
of me that salutes
without my telling
it to
what is this member
of me being male
that acts on its own
aside me
what is this member
of my human team
tackling homeruns
with me
this member is a part
of my whole
who i restrain and let lead
me
hu man.
WORD : find
Sent: 10/6/2003 2:28 PM
Oh how you've got me
you hold me
you rock me
you find me
when you seek me
and you do
oh how you do
do you do
what i seek
what i freaky
meek
and so i trek
to the set
finding the characters
which are lost in this
play with your toys
find your little
that little
you know the little
try
just try
you can surely find
find
you will
find
you will
find
see what you seek
find
it's find
find
it's find
me
Oh how you've got me
you hold me
you rock me
you find me
when you seek me
and you do
oh how you do
do you do
what i seek
what i freaky
meek
and so i trek
to the set
finding the characters
which are lost in this
play with your toys
find your little
that little
you know the little
try
just try
you can surely find
find
you will
find
you will
find
see what you seek
find
it's find
find
it's find
me
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
PREACH LOVE : and he said things
Sent: 9/30/2003 11:26 AM
and he talked to me
he said things
that i thought things
couldn't be said
to me
and he talked to me
he said things
that brought me
here to now
as me
and he talked to me
he said things
that carried me forth
to the front
of me
and he talked to me
he said things
that i knew were true
like clear water
over me
and he talked to me
he said things
he said something
that something
that meaning
that thing
that brought
to me
my heart.
and he talked to me
he said things
that i thought things
couldn't be said
to me
and he talked to me
he said things
that brought me
here to now
as me
and he talked to me
he said things
that carried me forth
to the front
of me
and he talked to me
he said things
that i knew were true
like clear water
over me
and he talked to me
he said things
he said something
that something
that meaning
that thing
that brought
to me
my heart.
Monday, September 29, 2003
PREACH LOVE : SOC - 9/25/03
Sent: 9/29/2003 12:01 PM
SOC (Stream of Consciousness) - 9/25/03
This life. This everything. What does it mean? And what do we owe? Do we owe anything? And what shall we give? Questions. Thoughts. My own kind of music on the keypad of my computer ringing sweetly and consistently across the silence of the night. Aside the fan blowing air from the window. Humid air. But cool. Cool air traces round my face and brow and I wonder how. How. How is it.
I called Lance and wished him a happy birthday a day too late. Was I too late? Was he there to receive it. Ah, time. It is a funny parent. One that catches you off guard, as it should be.
Help me Lord. Help me. For lately, I have felt so weary, that I can hardly raise my head from the pillow to awaken to the day. The day seems so daunting with all that is expected of me. What? Is it only what I expect from me? I expect much more. Help me. Please. In Jesus Christ's Name I pray!
And I find the most intellectual and spiritual conversation of the night at Eden Bar. I talked with people I just met there. About God. About Christ. How strange. And yet, I am so non-judgmental, I must allow everyone his or her own journey towards God. That is a witness. Is it? I'm so unsure. Oh God, am I doing wrong? Please help me. If I am not being a good witness in Your name, then help me. Please!
Follow My path!
I feel as if I must write some sort of journal entry, as I haven't in such a long time. Tonight is the night that I was supposed to read "Sick of it" at the Bowery Poetry Club, but I have realized that I have already read the poem I should there, "Racial Slurs". Every time I keep mentioning that I'm reading a poem, I say, "Raaa - I mean 'Sick of it'." Where is my next destination Dear Lord? What is next? I feel like reading again is barking up the same tree that I have before. Perhaps that's my reason for apprehension?
I'm at a loss. I don't know. There are so many doubts swimming in here that I wonder if that manuscript is even the one that needs to be published. I find myself wanting to write something more and better. Why can't I be happy with it being what it is? Perhaps because I don't believe that humanity will forgive me for it either? Either. So I am so critical of myself? I am. Perfection. Oh God, release me from this mistake. You gave me Christ. Why do I still strive to be Him. Shan't I be me? Me with Him as my ideal. Striving but never obtaining. Be me. Be me. Oh I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid that being me would be nothing less than being a complete failure. I feel like such a failure. Is it true? I don't feel so, and yet, there are times when I wonder. And that causes the feeling. The feeling of, what if? Where am I God? Where I am?
Enough. Enough. Oh God. Fill me. Fill me. In Jesus Christ's Name. Fill me.
The Hours definitely affected me. The curiosity of Virgina Woolf struck me. And it has me wondering about her and her life, for I feel like I might relate. I don't know, but there is something that I see in her that I see in me. Perhaps. Perhaps. Why am I writing perhaps so much lately. It's because I'm acknowledging that I don't know. And Perhaps that is exactly what needs to be. I need to feel.
PREACH LOVE : Sadness
Sent: 9/29/2003 11:46 AM
another past blast . . .
Sadness finds me wherever I go. Sometimes flooding me. Other times only trickling round my feet. Sadness brings the most unique pain, as it is often hopeless and despairing. In sadness, nothing seems to look good, no matter how good everything is. And the tears that cannot be helped are evidence of the reality in which my sadness overwhelms. I found myself wading in it yesterday, while today completely drowned. Of course, when feeling so, I immediately began looking for its source. Unfortunately, I discovered that the sadness has been birthed by so many things: the day that is approaching is certainly gloomsum as I look around to see that nothing major has changed. I think I had thought that it would. Nevertheless, the world is still in crisis, and America pushes forward with yet more military action. Sadness that I'm still doing what I've been doing for the past six years, neglecting my potential for the sake of a living, and unsure of how to improve it. Sadness as I want to say something to the world and found that there are very few who can hear me. Sadness as I am so lonely here, with no other person to understand me.
PREACH LOVE : Paperwork
Technology and big business married us to paperwork occupations.
Sometimes I wonder about the pieces of paper I copy. So many go to so many different places. Some pieces even require me to jot an inked number across before moving it forward in the human administration machine. Other pieces simply find themselves loosely, stapled or paper clipped in files in the metal boxes that decorate the office space. These are the pieces of paper that stay for there's some slice of information that might be needed at some point down the line. Just what is all this paper for? Usually said after a jarring paper cut. And why am I the one shoveling it?
Give them a copy.
I write:
cc: Prof. Weather
Prof. Herven
Prof. Mim
Prof. Chuway
10/2/02
I make copies.
I have proof.
Do I not trust them,
or do I not trust myself? "Well, yes I cc:ed them on the second."
"Did I do it? Oh, yes, I cc:ed them on the second."
Or perhaps it just a highlighted organizational tool.
Passionless.
Proof. All the paper comes down to proof. Down to the dime. Down to the discovery. Down to the signature. Our technology has mislead us. And now society's big business doesn't trust us; therefore, it can't trust itself. Walls of files are the proof.
PREACH LOVE : Dragon's Feet
Sent: 9/29/2003 11:38 AM
Sounds of dragons' feet
the clunk of trash cans
a big bite of forgotten
Where do I go from here? It is the question that continues, never-ending, until that final blessed day, at which point I am sure of the Where. Nevertheless, within this very moment, I remain unsure of my next step. And I must admit, that gives me grief. As I look around me at all the others making carefully thought-out moves for their contentment, I find myself puzzled by my seeming slow stagnation. Am I getting anywhere in this life?
Ah. I should look at the word, "anywhere". Just "where" do you want to go?
It was Stevie Wonder who sang that if you tell your story and you tell it fair, it will come true. They sound like God given words, for I believe them. So why do I keep from telling my story?
Perhaps I'm afraid. Afraid of not succeeding for Him. Afraid of being all of me, and that not being enough.
For my past is strewn with memories of me not feeling good enough.
Enough.
Therefore I can only rest on God for the direction towards my ultimate answer. Sometimes, I feel as though nothing makes sense, as if my life in this world is all an illusion of puzzles. But then, sometimes I have that clarity that sees the next turn of the rubix cube that will land it closer to the solution.
Sounds of dragons' feet
the clunk of trash cans
a big bite of forgotten
Where do I go from here? It is the question that continues, never-ending, until that final blessed day, at which point I am sure of the Where. Nevertheless, within this very moment, I remain unsure of my next step. And I must admit, that gives me grief. As I look around me at all the others making carefully thought-out moves for their contentment, I find myself puzzled by my seeming slow stagnation. Am I getting anywhere in this life?
Ah. I should look at the word, "anywhere". Just "where" do you want to go?
It was Stevie Wonder who sang that if you tell your story and you tell it fair, it will come true. They sound like God given words, for I believe them. So why do I keep from telling my story?
Perhaps I'm afraid. Afraid of not succeeding for Him. Afraid of being all of me, and that not being enough.
For my past is strewn with memories of me not feeling good enough.
Enough.
Therefore I can only rest on God for the direction towards my ultimate answer. Sometimes, I feel as though nothing makes sense, as if my life in this world is all an illusion of puzzles. But then, sometimes I have that clarity that sees the next turn of the rubix cube that will land it closer to the solution.
PREACH LOVE : Between two worlds
Sent: 9/29/2003 11:28 AM
A blast from the past . . .
1/25/02
From my journal:
Oh the feeling of
being held captive
by this society
that has been built.
We hate to cage animals
yet we cage ourselves most willingly.
The reality in which we live is so constructed
Not the real reality at all.
And yet we are enslaved to it, with no options.
Is it selfish to want to break free from this captivity of society?
Am I only concerned for myself?
Oh, if only we could all see the bigger picture
outside of money, status, and security
Oh how tiresome this life seems to be
how boring that I fall into routine
Between two worlds.
You tell me that I must do what I do not like in order to live.
I believe that this is hardly living.
Let me out!!!
A blast from the past . . .
1/25/02
From my journal:
Oh the feeling of
being held captive
by this society
that has been built.
We hate to cage animals
yet we cage ourselves most willingly.
The reality in which we live is so constructed
Not the real reality at all.
And yet we are enslaved to it, with no options.
Is it selfish to want to break free from this captivity of society?
Am I only concerned for myself?
Oh, if only we could all see the bigger picture
outside of money, status, and security
Oh how tiresome this life seems to be
how boring that I fall into routine
Between two worlds.
You tell me that I must do what I do not like in order to live.
I believe that this is hardly living.
Let me out!!!
Thursday, September 11, 2003
PREACH LOVE : stone in my shoe
Sent: 9/11/2003 3:30 PM
Today I have walked around with a stone in my shoe. I didn't put it there intentionally. Only during my morning walk to work did I notice that it was shifting its way around my foot, occasionally poking me with a painful jab before moving to the other side of my shoe. I suppose I could remove the stone, just take off my shoe and let it plop to the ground.
however, being in this day, September 11th, 2003, I find myself quite grateful for the stone. It is providing me a reminder that although everyday life may seem back to "normal" there is still something quite different in my walk.
And Walk I do.
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
PREACH LOVE : My essay to George
Sent: 8/20/2003 12:12 PM
August 20, 2003
President George Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
VIA FACSIMILE: 202-456-2461
Dear President George,
As your war with words rages forward, I am prompted to write yet another letter, which many of my friends and relatives wonder if you ever actually read. I wonder at democracy.
Many moons ago, you declared war on a word. This multimedia logo-ed, figurative declaration birthed real wars on many countries' shores aside from America's, and each of these wars has caused many, many, many lives to perish because of your historical statement. It is merely your speculation that can attest that it has even saved one single life on the planet since its conception. The loss of life, each with his and her own name, was it for the good? Ultimately, no matter how you weigh the odds, you really do not know. Nevertheless, it is what it is. It cannot be taken back. It has already been placed in all of us. If you read my previous letters to you, then you know where I stood regarding your wars just days after September 11th, 2001, "No more violence." I passed out flyers on the sidewalks of midtown Manhattan with Heaven's declaration: "No more violence." And that is the firm foundation on which I still stand today. Therefore, I shall not belabor that issue any further. You are only beginning to listen.
Literally speaking, you have now declared to legislate the meaning of a word that we, as humanity, use. In hopes to legislate morality. In order to preserve what you define as "right". I wonder at you and words. Have you learned where definitions come from? As certain definitions seem so important to you. Morality, my friend, must come from within. A seeking soul finds it during its life. For no rules and regulations you traditionally conceive and enforce can force it upon humanity. Humanity finds morality through its love of one another. And it is this genuine love that frees us from our laws. You are a Christian. Christ taught that. Generalistic commandments of religions do not teach the masses. For only each individual's love liberates all humanity to true morality. Therein lies utopia. And suddenly I have to stop to wonder, is heaven on earth even your direction?
The word in question? "Marriage." Would it amuse you that I am rather apathetic politically on the subject, as I can hardly trust my government on historical approval of my short life? Except that I was born here. Except that I am of the American race. When thinking of patriotic separating, as far as my American state is concerned, I would rather it be legally termed: "civil unions", among all, heterosexual and homosexual. To celebrate marriage is apart from you. Government shall not dictate a soulful union. It cannot. Nor can it Truly recognize it. The promise of union between two persons is Holy. There is no legislation to prescribe it. So I will not enter into a political fight here. One that is of words and legal benefit definitions. One long and winded and the reason for my apathy towards the system. For ultimately it defines government as a big business more concerned about productivity than humanity. And I know governments decide for many for whom they should care. Therefore, it is time for governments to listen to their children of humanity. The children who have understood to love since being here. And as an American one, I shall speak my individual voice. For me. For all. For freedom.
I am a fragment of life. Chad. Shall it teach you? I can only share what I know. I was born on the banks of the great Mississippi close to where the Pyramid now stands. I was born the color white and the gender male. I cannot be blamed, as I am not responsible, for any actions by people of that color and gender of human living presently or before me. This is my time. As I am my own. I am an individual. There is only one me. And I should be respected for that. Beyond my exterior. I simply live in here. And it lives here, in The United States of America. The country I love most passionately. The country promising life. The country promising my personal pursuit of happiness. The country promising liberty. Oh please assure me that I am not your slave. For hire. As my adulthood feels that way. Money should not make the world go round! Further, I am gay. I do not know how or why, and God has taught me that life is far too short to question it. I am. I am who I am. And I am entitled to that right. I am Christian for I believe in Jesus Christ. The Radical that saved the world. I believe in the Liberation He gave us. I believe in His Love. In His Grace. In that He that allows me to be me, human, just as I am. Innocent, He took my place. Therefore, I love others. As I love Him. That's the point. The exclamation for writing this letter. Love. Love me. Attempt to understand me. And please do not judge me. Do not judge. Your journey is your own. Judgment on me is left to God alone. He said so. This is Chad. An American Poet. Listen.
Dear President George, your recent comments to codify legally something of sanctity are a personal attack on who I have a human right to be in experiencing my freedom in the U.S.A. and further, on this Earth, under God. No other human being, group of individuals, government or religion, can righteously deem me as ungodly or without character for being me. Furthermore, no human being, group of individuals, government or religion, can decree, and therefore restrict, what love means to me. You have no jurisdiction over my promise of commitment and love to another human being, nor do you have the right to negate it if it is made. This is my life under God. And it is for this reason I shall not debate you on this matter politically, as that subjects love to your narrow definitions which, ultimately, you are not Truly allowed to make for anyone. My life’s journey is between me and God. The love I give others is inspired by God. And although I respect you as our President, I will only worship and obey God. For it was Him Who said for you to love Him, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and to love others as you love yourself. Therefore, your proposed legislation is intolerable as it keeps me from a Divine human right to love and publicly celebrate love, a right to which others are entitled. Therefore if one human is granted governments’ permission to enjoy this freedom, all of humanity is. I urge you to reconsider your path of segregation.
Your desire to define a word for all of us, especially constitutionally, seems a declaration of another of your wars for your good vs. your evil that you do not seem to understand. And there are others understanding of your misdirection. We plead. Mister President, please try to step outside the political game. Life is not a game. None of us is the same, and yet I am not the only individual tired of your wars, exhausted of the unfair system, annoyed with the unjust, dishonest world in which we live today. Our country is supposed to be a democracy. Isn't the majority tired of fighting with one another, exhausted of politics, annoyed with corruption, deception, greed and lies. Isn’t the majority enlightened to love and really ready to live together in honesty and peace? So our lives may just be. May we be? I hope so. For there is so much we can give the world if we are allowed to be. And if that is the knowing of our majority, I hope that as our President, you will listen and represent the country you serve. Otherwise, until power is removed from our human governments' ideal, until money is no longer worshipped as our god, or until there comes a leader with a true heart, compassion for all, ideals of utopia for each, and the passion to make it happen for you and me and everyone on Earth, it would truly be better to have no government at all. For your promotion of this present roadmap of shortcuts to crash us all has me disgusted of this existence. It rides not on faith. It offers no hope. It is void of love. And I do not wish that on any human soul. Especially the newborns! I want us all to go Home. Now is the time for love and honesty to conquer all. This I believe. Truth sets us free.
No one will ever take liberty from humanity again. Even your fearful administration's attempts will not cage our souls from being themselves. God, through time, has seen to that. Even in your fear, George, you live free. You see through the windows of your soul, aside your color, gender, sexuality and spirituality. I, Chad, am allowed the same. We all are. Every human being on Earth has that liberty under God.
So let us go. Set all humanity free. Love us, and allow us to be. For it is love that makes the world go round. “Peace will begin with me” when you love all unconditionally. Listen and you will see. You must see.
And with that final Truth,
I have said my Peace.
God bless the world.
In Love,
Chad Gurley
A New American
August 20, 2003
President George Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
VIA FACSIMILE: 202-456-2461
Dear President George,
As your war with words rages forward, I am prompted to write yet another letter, which many of my friends and relatives wonder if you ever actually read. I wonder at democracy.
Many moons ago, you declared war on a word. This multimedia logo-ed, figurative declaration birthed real wars on many countries' shores aside from America's, and each of these wars has caused many, many, many lives to perish because of your historical statement. It is merely your speculation that can attest that it has even saved one single life on the planet since its conception. The loss of life, each with his and her own name, was it for the good? Ultimately, no matter how you weigh the odds, you really do not know. Nevertheless, it is what it is. It cannot be taken back. It has already been placed in all of us. If you read my previous letters to you, then you know where I stood regarding your wars just days after September 11th, 2001, "No more violence." I passed out flyers on the sidewalks of midtown Manhattan with Heaven's declaration: "No more violence." And that is the firm foundation on which I still stand today. Therefore, I shall not belabor that issue any further. You are only beginning to listen.
Literally speaking, you have now declared to legislate the meaning of a word that we, as humanity, use. In hopes to legislate morality. In order to preserve what you define as "right". I wonder at you and words. Have you learned where definitions come from? As certain definitions seem so important to you. Morality, my friend, must come from within. A seeking soul finds it during its life. For no rules and regulations you traditionally conceive and enforce can force it upon humanity. Humanity finds morality through its love of one another. And it is this genuine love that frees us from our laws. You are a Christian. Christ taught that. Generalistic commandments of religions do not teach the masses. For only each individual's love liberates all humanity to true morality. Therein lies utopia. And suddenly I have to stop to wonder, is heaven on earth even your direction?
The word in question? "Marriage." Would it amuse you that I am rather apathetic politically on the subject, as I can hardly trust my government on historical approval of my short life? Except that I was born here. Except that I am of the American race. When thinking of patriotic separating, as far as my American state is concerned, I would rather it be legally termed: "civil unions", among all, heterosexual and homosexual. To celebrate marriage is apart from you. Government shall not dictate a soulful union. It cannot. Nor can it Truly recognize it. The promise of union between two persons is Holy. There is no legislation to prescribe it. So I will not enter into a political fight here. One that is of words and legal benefit definitions. One long and winded and the reason for my apathy towards the system. For ultimately it defines government as a big business more concerned about productivity than humanity. And I know governments decide for many for whom they should care. Therefore, it is time for governments to listen to their children of humanity. The children who have understood to love since being here. And as an American one, I shall speak my individual voice. For me. For all. For freedom.
I am a fragment of life. Chad. Shall it teach you? I can only share what I know. I was born on the banks of the great Mississippi close to where the Pyramid now stands. I was born the color white and the gender male. I cannot be blamed, as I am not responsible, for any actions by people of that color and gender of human living presently or before me. This is my time. As I am my own. I am an individual. There is only one me. And I should be respected for that. Beyond my exterior. I simply live in here. And it lives here, in The United States of America. The country I love most passionately. The country promising life. The country promising my personal pursuit of happiness. The country promising liberty. Oh please assure me that I am not your slave. For hire. As my adulthood feels that way. Money should not make the world go round! Further, I am gay. I do not know how or why, and God has taught me that life is far too short to question it. I am. I am who I am. And I am entitled to that right. I am Christian for I believe in Jesus Christ. The Radical that saved the world. I believe in the Liberation He gave us. I believe in His Love. In His Grace. In that He that allows me to be me, human, just as I am. Innocent, He took my place. Therefore, I love others. As I love Him. That's the point. The exclamation for writing this letter. Love. Love me. Attempt to understand me. And please do not judge me. Do not judge. Your journey is your own. Judgment on me is left to God alone. He said so. This is Chad. An American Poet. Listen.
Dear President George, your recent comments to codify legally something of sanctity are a personal attack on who I have a human right to be in experiencing my freedom in the U.S.A. and further, on this Earth, under God. No other human being, group of individuals, government or religion, can righteously deem me as ungodly or without character for being me. Furthermore, no human being, group of individuals, government or religion, can decree, and therefore restrict, what love means to me. You have no jurisdiction over my promise of commitment and love to another human being, nor do you have the right to negate it if it is made. This is my life under God. And it is for this reason I shall not debate you on this matter politically, as that subjects love to your narrow definitions which, ultimately, you are not Truly allowed to make for anyone. My life’s journey is between me and God. The love I give others is inspired by God. And although I respect you as our President, I will only worship and obey God. For it was Him Who said for you to love Him, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and to love others as you love yourself. Therefore, your proposed legislation is intolerable as it keeps me from a Divine human right to love and publicly celebrate love, a right to which others are entitled. Therefore if one human is granted governments’ permission to enjoy this freedom, all of humanity is. I urge you to reconsider your path of segregation.
Your desire to define a word for all of us, especially constitutionally, seems a declaration of another of your wars for your good vs. your evil that you do not seem to understand. And there are others understanding of your misdirection. We plead. Mister President, please try to step outside the political game. Life is not a game. None of us is the same, and yet I am not the only individual tired of your wars, exhausted of the unfair system, annoyed with the unjust, dishonest world in which we live today. Our country is supposed to be a democracy. Isn't the majority tired of fighting with one another, exhausted of politics, annoyed with corruption, deception, greed and lies. Isn’t the majority enlightened to love and really ready to live together in honesty and peace? So our lives may just be. May we be? I hope so. For there is so much we can give the world if we are allowed to be. And if that is the knowing of our majority, I hope that as our President, you will listen and represent the country you serve. Otherwise, until power is removed from our human governments' ideal, until money is no longer worshipped as our god, or until there comes a leader with a true heart, compassion for all, ideals of utopia for each, and the passion to make it happen for you and me and everyone on Earth, it would truly be better to have no government at all. For your promotion of this present roadmap of shortcuts to crash us all has me disgusted of this existence. It rides not on faith. It offers no hope. It is void of love. And I do not wish that on any human soul. Especially the newborns! I want us all to go Home. Now is the time for love and honesty to conquer all. This I believe. Truth sets us free.
No one will ever take liberty from humanity again. Even your fearful administration's attempts will not cage our souls from being themselves. God, through time, has seen to that. Even in your fear, George, you live free. You see through the windows of your soul, aside your color, gender, sexuality and spirituality. I, Chad, am allowed the same. We all are. Every human being on Earth has that liberty under God.
So let us go. Set all humanity free. Love us, and allow us to be. For it is love that makes the world go round. “Peace will begin with me” when you love all unconditionally. Listen and you will see. You must see.
And with that final Truth,
I have said my Peace.
God bless the world.
In Love,
Chad Gurley
A New American
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
PREACH LOVE : white boy
Sent: 8/13/2003 11:11 AM
As I approached her
on the night lit sidewalk
I smiled at her
to which she scowled
before her clawing echo
tore a hole in my heart
"You'd better get out of here
white boy
You aren't welcome here
white boy
There's no room for you in Harlem
white boy"
As my silence stunned me
under the fluorescent hums
I walked onward home
during which I healed
while my melancholy thoughts
sang of freedom for my soul
"This is where I live
even white
This was my only welcome
even male
Harlem is now my home
even me
You don't know me
You don't know me
The color of my skin
The gender of my human
The sexuality of my being
These cannot begin to tell you
The spirit of my soul
You just don't know
You just don't know
Ultimately it doesn't matter
that you won't stop to read the novel
of my own short life thus written
on worn, torn pages of black and white
still it hurts to hear the judgment
when you only consider me by my cover
You won't know
You won't know
I love you for your color of skin
I love you for your gender of human
I love you for your sexuality of being
That I love you for you will tell you
The spirit of my soul
Do you know
You know"
For I approach you
on the Son lit path
and I smile at you
to which you hear
a loving echo start
streaming from my heart
"We're all living here
even you
We are all welcome here
even me
There's room enough for everyone
even all
Know love
Please know Love."
As I approached her
on the night lit sidewalk
I smiled at her
to which she scowled
before her clawing echo
tore a hole in my heart
"You'd better get out of here
white boy
You aren't welcome here
white boy
There's no room for you in Harlem
white boy"
As my silence stunned me
under the fluorescent hums
I walked onward home
during which I healed
while my melancholy thoughts
sang of freedom for my soul
"This is where I live
even white
This was my only welcome
even male
Harlem is now my home
even me
You don't know me
You don't know me
The color of my skin
The gender of my human
The sexuality of my being
These cannot begin to tell you
The spirit of my soul
You just don't know
You just don't know
Ultimately it doesn't matter
that you won't stop to read the novel
of my own short life thus written
on worn, torn pages of black and white
still it hurts to hear the judgment
when you only consider me by my cover
You won't know
You won't know
I love you for your color of skin
I love you for your gender of human
I love you for your sexuality of being
That I love you for you will tell you
The spirit of my soul
Do you know
You know"
For I approach you
on the Son lit path
and I smile at you
to which you hear
a loving echo start
streaming from my heart
"We're all living here
even you
We are all welcome here
even me
There's room enough for everyone
even all
Know love
Please know Love."
Monday, August 11, 2003
PREACH LOVE : Exhibit A: a hairdryer
Sent: 8/11/2003 12:32 PM
I stole my mother's hairdryer. Vanity was the culprit. Yes, I am so very ashamed to say that it was vanity that caused me to put it in with my things as I was leaving from Arkansas for home without telling her. I didn't need a hairdryer. I have one here in my apartment that works just fine. I just liked the way my mom's hairdryer blew my hair dry. Surely, it would be better for me to shave my head than to have done this. It was empty. It was wrong. It was sin.
As we rode towards the airport, my mind played pictures of it lying there under my clothes, a hidden object taken with no regard to its owner. It showed no love for that other human. And that human is so very dear to me. My guilt kept me dizzy and nauseated, and I dreaded the flight of shame ahead of me. If I had had more honor, I would have thrown it from my bag into her hands at the airport, cried and gotten on my knees to beg for her forgiveness and mercy. But I remained weak, tried to smile, and walked onto the plane wanting to not remember it. Unsuccessfully.
After confessing my sinful tragedy to God, I called Mom today and repented what I had done. I repented most heartfully and sincerely. I cried my remorse. She, of course, was shocked. After all that she has given me, after all that she still gives me, her love most of all, how could I actually walk out of her house with something she had not given me, something that was hers and not mine? My heart sobbed with her truth. I was a sinner. I am a sinner. I sin. Humility surges within me, and I become very aware that I am still a child learning. One blessed lesson after another.
It was just a hairdryer? Oh no. It was something much more than that within my life's story. God sees every moment. Nothing is hid from Him. And there is no way to keep from Him my act of human betrayal, my not loving another in overly loving myself. I remain so very sorry, and I am so very thankful that my mother forgave me. She did not have to. But she did, and I feel such joy from her forgiveness and trust, that I will never steal again. Nor will I take for granted and dishonor the unconditional love of my parents. There is no need for commandments to tell me, "Thou shalt not steal." and "Honor your father and your mother." for I have learned why thanks to the love I am blessed to have from my mother. In my suffocating death in the sin and the resurrection in her forgiveness, I can go forward with the promise I will forever keep with her, it shall not happen ever again.
The lessons are hard
but worth learning.
* * *
Forgive me God.
I am so very sorry.
Continue to trust in me to do what is right,
for I am honestly trying every moment,
and getting closer
closer
even though as human I won't get there here
for it was for Christ to perfect it for Your Good
still I won't stop trying
to get
closer
closer to You
My Love.
In Jesus Christ's Name,
I love You.
Chad
Thursday, July 31, 2003
PREACH LOVE : hesitation
Sent: 7/31/2003 12:00 PM
Hesitation saturates the air.
I'm not sure how much I like breathing it,
nevertheless, for some reason,
it is here waiting,
weighting.
reigning.
Drenched in the clouds of doubts,
wherein insecurities and confidence rumble,
and before I begin to know,
weariness strikes a blow.
meanwhile,
Ready set go.
again.
I feel like I'm running slow.
A slow and steady start?
* * *
Just stop.
Stop, breathe.
Breathe, listen
To your heart.
* * *
How quickly the storm evaporates into dew!
NOW go
anew . . .
Hesitation saturates the air.
I'm not sure how much I like breathing it,
nevertheless, for some reason,
it is here waiting,
weighting.
reigning.
Drenched in the clouds of doubts,
wherein insecurities and confidence rumble,
and before I begin to know,
weariness strikes a blow.
meanwhile,
Ready set go.
again.
I feel like I'm running slow.
A slow and steady start?
* * *
Just stop.
Stop, breathe.
Breathe, listen
To your heart.
* * *
How quickly the storm evaporates into dew!
NOW go
anew . . .
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
PREACH LOVE : The good bad hairdo
Sent: 7/29/2003 12:43 PM
I have given myself another one of my infamous haircut disasters only days away from going home to see my family. Attention: Hair Disaster. Of course, my New York habitat says, "It's Chad. It's you. It's cool!" meanwhile I shriek, "I look like an escapee from a mental ward."
Not picking fun, just being honest. =)
It's a rather -I'm ten years old and thought I'd cut my own hair for the first time- kind of looks. A tad too close a shave in some wrong places. Somehow, I was ten again. I tried. A little too hard. If I had just left it right when it was kind of okay, not perfect, but good enough. If I had just stopped right there. But I didn't. I wanted it perfect.
Humanity proved that wasn't possible this time, as I carved a closer than normal streak on the left side of my head. Yes, it's noticeable. Yes, it's unmistakable. AND I go home to Arkansas on Friday! I'm in pain.
Anyone know a good toupee artist?
Not that I would. =)
Laugh. When you are being the child in your heart outloud, the world tends to think you are a mental case. And yet somehow by the people who know me in New York my disaster is cool? Life is hilarious.
* * *
Thank you God. For every Divine mistake Graced by Christ.
Makes it all Good.
Free.
PREACH LOVE : me today
Sent: 7/29/2003 12:39 PM
what do you want me to say
do you want me to play some game
pretend with your mind
weave a webbing imagine
when i could just be the same
as being me being real today
i choose me today
me real today
what do you want me to say
do you want me to play some game
pretend with your mind
weave a webbing imagine
when i could just be the same
as being me being real today
i choose me today
me real today
PREACH LOVE : one wing
Sent: 7/29/2003 12:37 PM
It came quite suddenly
my one wing
and i wondered
how i
should fly
He said most Powerfully
your soul sings
on Me you flounder
so oh how you
will fly!
No doubt!
It came quite suddenly
my one wing
and i wondered
how i
should fly
He said most Powerfully
your soul sings
on Me you flounder
so oh how you
will fly!
No doubt!
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
PREACH LOVE : Fraidy Mule
Sent: 7/9/2003 1:04 PM
I haven't written for some time now. Even now, as I write this to you, the words do not come easily. It is as if I have to tug and pull at them, like that donkey that just won't budge from its post. Furthermore, then, I must work very hard at sitting on them and spurring them onward so that they will continue to ride across the page. Stubborn mule. Jackass. "What's wrong with me?"
Well, firstly, I haven't had a computer for some time now. The screen on the one I was using at home blinked out a couple of months ago. The laptop's screen is now only visible when positioned at a 35 degree from the keypad. Awkward viewing. Impossible typing. As for the computer at work, well, I usually don't have time to write there, not without distraction, and this is something that I enjoy giving my undivided attention. So, it's made for a long time without hearing from me, and I apologize for that.
Also, there has been a lot going on in my life which has kept me preoccupied. Thanks and praise to God, I moved into my own apartment at the end of June. I do adore it aside from the annoyances which are just 'life': dust-covering-construction pounding on the building next door early every morning (except Saturday and Sunday); the multi-pitched dog across the street who barks a screeching melody intermittently throughout the day and night and late night, abrasive enough to break the finest crystal; and the lack of air conditioner, further the lack of approval to have an air conditioner, during this still hot humid summer heat in New York City. Nonetheless, it's mine, and I'm certainly taken with it.
On the first floor of a brownstone near Morningside Park, my tiny studio has a large picture window facing the tree-lined street and the neighbor brownstones resting on the other side. All have long stepped stoops on which we as residents sit, try to catch some cool breezes, and restfully watch the world go by, most with friendly smiles and waves and knowing winks and nods. It actually reminds me a lot of Sesame Street, minus the plush and feathers.
I've gotten to know my neighbors, and all of them have been so cordial and friendly. Okay, that's not to say that some of them aren't grouches, for I have spoken with a few Oscars. Yet all seem willing to want to know each other, something quite rare in this city and, today, perhaps parts of America. Yes, I'm blessed with that now almost uncommon feeling of community that still tries to burn here at the present. Thankfully, the friendly mix of those who have lived here for as long as they can remember and those who have only just arrived still manage to be interested in one another. I'm understanding that it is this want to know that makes my new block beautiful beyond just its brownstoned aesthetic.
Of course, I can't help but maintain the fear that as New York City edges closer to an island of the elite, and more of these brownstones are bought and sold for extraordinary amounts of money, many families that have lived here for decades will be pushed to leave. With the neighborhood's roots severed, with far less familiar faces, less socializing among neighbors, will this community dwindle from its little fire to a mere glow. Not if I can help it.
Not if I can help it.
Can I help it?
Can I help?
Can I help me?
Ahhh, you see, that leads me right back to where the mule stood dead in its tracks just moments ago. See, all this discourse about my computer folly, my apartment, the neighborhood and community, has been a wonderful yet lengthy circular path back to the real issue at hand. The real reason my words weren't moving in the first place. It's the answer to "What's wrong with me?" While everything is seeming okay, still the words to that answer stumble over piles of manure.
Step.
I just have to say it.
Step.
I'm afraid.
Here I am, all by myself, abode in a little bitty but charming apartment, starting a trek out on my own, with walking staff in hand, and nothing to my name, absolutely terrified. All day today I found myself in and out of tears in wondering if I will be able to make it. Isn't that almost funny? I came to New York many many moons ago without a thought as to whether or not I would be able to do it, I just planned to do it and did it, and yet here I sit, much later, feeling an anxiety, a lack of trust in myself. And, truth be told, there have been mistakes that I have made that have caused me to be less trusting of my own humanity. A heavy fear lays over me. Scared.
***
So I take it to the Lord in prayer:
God please forgive me my mistakes. Help me to learn from each one so as to not make them again.
And by Your might alone, by Your amazing Grace, I shall make it.
I believe.
I believe.
I know.
I'll make it.
For You once told me:
"Fear not, for I am with you always."
Thank You.
***
And the mule charges full speed ahead.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
PREACH LOVE : God provided a place to lay my head
Sent: 6/18/2003 1:16 PM
God is so good! He answers prayer. Never doubt.
Finding an apartment in the city has been quite the uphill battle. With black credit due to some immature mistakes in my early twenties plus extraordinarily high prices of apartments here plus needing to avoid any and all brokers and their extreme fees, it was really against all odds that I would find one, much less be approved for one.
But God is ever faithful.
I'm so thankful to be able to say that He has blessed me with a new apartment to call my own!!! Thank you God! Not only is it a wonderful little apartment in a brownstone near Morningside Park, it also happens to be an apartment walking distance from my work and church. He's so amazing that way.
So thank you to all of you who were praying for me and wishing me well. It's obviously been heard, and I appreciate you so much!
Good news!
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
PREACH LOVE : Re: God's Promise
Sent: 4/29/2003 4:27 PM
Recently, I responded to a letter that I received from my wonderful friend, A. Within it, I learned much about myself, and I thought to share it with you.
---------------------------------------------
Dear A,
Although I'm not in your circumstances, and it would seem that mine are better as I have a job, a wonderful church home, and friends in the city that support me, I do understand your feelings as I've been asking myself the same exact questions. Is God listening? Just last night, my friend, Ines, and I were sitting on the roof of my apartment building, gazing at the stars, and wondering when things were going to get better for us, for the world. When were these promises that have been made going to come into fruition? When will things change?
After the war with Iraq started and has now completed, I have been suffering many feelings of defeat. It has been quite a depressing time as I feel that all the work I had been doing for peace and all the writing I had done for the sake of love has seemed ignored. Two years of my life I have spent in a creative surge only to find no tangible benefits. Still the world runs corrupted. Still the powers that be make decisions that cause lives to suffer. Personally, still I find myself stuck in a job that drains me by not tapping into my potential. Still I'm feeling like a trained monkey that shuffles paper from file to desk to file, therefore leaving me apathetic about the work and simply doing it to feed me, shelter me, clothe me. (It may be a living, but it would seem far from REALLY living.) And still I suffer financial burdens that seem to never ease as I live from hand to mouth, a troublesome predicament that furthers with lawyers and collections ringing my phone consistently. And all of this, plus more I won't even go into just now here, has left me feeling very, very weary. It is easy for me to fall into despair, and the hopelessness that used to plague me when I was severely depressed seems to seep from dark corners to haunt me.
I keep screaming to the sky, what do You want me to do? For all I desire is to do God's will. I look up, and I groan and cry and pray that my spirit will say all the things that need to be said to God that I'm unable to find the words to express. Lately, I've run out of words, telling God, this is just a broken record, skipping back to the same prayers of 'oh please help me' that I feel like I've been praying for so long now. With nothing new to say, I depend on the Holy Spirit to intercede and petition God on my behalf. And honestly, I find myself telling God that I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope, that if something doesn't change for the better soon, I will be too exhausted to carry on. I need some good in my life; some good! And I need that good soon. It's not a threat. It's not a test. It's just where I am.
And that's where my faith blesses me. Faith steps in and says, Chad, you know that God is never late. He is always right on time with His answers and blessings. In fact, I've experienced this in my own life many times; however, I easily overlook them with the worries of today. One of great importance in my life is recalling how God saved me from killing myself at a seemingly late moment; however, in actuality, it was at the perfect moment that He pulled the gun from my hand and told me to live. It was at the perfect moment in my life that He declared that He has a purpose for me and my life, and that my giving up on it all was not in His will. I'm afraid that if He had come earlier, the significance of His grace would hardly have been as powerful, glorious, and loving. If He had come earlier, I don't know if I'd be as dedicated to Him as I am today. Even Biblically, we remember that Lazarus was dead in the grave when Christ came at the right time to raise him and display God's glory. We also remember the disciples in deep panic over the stormy waves and the tossing sea, only to have Christ waken and come at just the right time to calm all and show the pointlessness of worry. Yes, this "in the meantime" of mourning may seem an eternity, but it's not. This feeling of drowning, so close to the point of breathing in the water engulfing me, may discourage me from thinking that I will survive, but I realize that it's not by my strength I'll be saved. God and God alone. I must believe. I do believe. I must hope, even if it's to hope for hope. So I hope.
Truly showers of blessings are on their way, if we believe that they are and believe that God will provide them. And I do. He will. With that knowing, I've found myself uplifted, and in this upliftment, I've begun preparing things for the change that I know God will grant. I've decided to step out into the Red Sea and depend on God to part it for me. Resurrect me Lord!
I don't know if this helps you or offers you anything. I hope in some way it might. One thing I would like to add, however, is - Alan, you are a blessing to my life and to the world. Please do try to see that. With your convictions and determination, someday I can see you becoming a leader who will help to keep the same struggles you are going through now from being inflicted on others, on our own or friends' children, or even, may I be so bold, on an entire country's population. Your political motivations coupled with your faith and love are truly heaven-sent as they are rarely seen among the majority of persons in the world. You are unique, and I am certain that the Book of Life contains the book of "Alan" just as "Job". It may SEEM a curse; however, it remains true that great characters only come through great suffering. Nevertheless, even through the suffering, remember, it was you that enlightened me to so many causes. It was you who motivated me through those difficult times before the war and helped to encourage all the efforts that we made to prevent it. It was you that gave so much then, and it is promised that you will be rewarded. You know, I guess the reason why I sent that devotion to you today is because I believe it's time for us to begin collecting. And the first step is telling God that you plan to do so, and then believe.
This are my thoughts for what they're worth. I am praying earnestly for you and love you!
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
PREACH LOVE : Perhaps
Sent: 4/23/2003 8:07 PM
Perhaps you think I've disappeared entirely. No. I am here. I am processing. Perhaps you think that's a silly thing to say. No. It is me.
I do love you.
Perhaps you think I've disappeared entirely. No. I am here. I am processing. Perhaps you think that's a silly thing to say. No. It is me.
I do love you.
Wednesday, April 9, 2003
PREACH LOVE : To Conquer by Love
Sent: 4/9/2003 7:36 PM
is the most blessed victory.
What happened today
was the wrong way.
What's your Way?
is the most blessed victory.
What happened today
was the wrong way.
What's your Way?
Tuesday, April 1, 2003
PREACH LOVE : right here
Sent: 4/1/2003 4:02 PM
if you were here
it would be different
but you say it isn't
so i'm just left
here
right here
if you were here
you would hear my truth
understand childish youth
if only you were here
right here
right here
if you were here
you'd speak truth
no matter your condition
not negate what i speak
for you to listen
feel
me real
right here
here
if you were here
life would be better
but you want to leave
and I guess that's better
than you right
here
here
right now
so maybe you're not here
you're off in another place
trying to win a race
that you certainly will
for real
and that's your place
right now
right here
right now
if you were here
it would be different
but you say it isn't
so i'm just left
here
right here
if you were here
you would hear my truth
understand childish youth
if only you were here
right here
right here
if you were here
you'd speak truth
no matter your condition
not negate what i speak
for you to listen
feel
me real
right here
here
if you were here
life would be better
but you want to leave
and I guess that's better
than you right
here
here
right now
so maybe you're not here
you're off in another place
trying to win a race
that you certainly will
for real
and that's your place
right now
right here
right now
Monday, March 31, 2003
PREACH LOVE : reasons will fade
Sent: 3/31/2003 3:39 PM
a bird lost its life
in baghdad this morn
and God knows it
a man lost his life
in baghdad this morn
and God mourns it
a bird lost its life
in baghdad this morn
and God knows it
a man lost his life
in baghdad this morn
and God mourns it
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