Wednesday, March 31, 2004

WORD : showers of blessings

Sent: 3/31/2004 8:41 PM

Dear All,

Today in New York City, the sky is gray, the air is chilled, and showers are falling, but honestly I don't mind in the least. I consider them showers of great blessings, for God is SO GOOD! He's so good to me. =)

I am so Heavenly blessed to report that within the last three days after sending you my e-mail "down to the wire", I have found an apartment, signed a lease, and received the keys to my new little one bedroom pad near the Cloisters. In a kind of whirlwind, I will be moving this weekend, and will be so happy to be settled in my new place by Easter. Yet another chapter of my life is breathing its last breaths, while another is being revived anew. It's a wonderful life. I'm ever so thankful, and I give God all the thanks and glory.

Thank you to all of you who had your eyes open for me in looking! I'm so appreciative. And thank you to all of you who were praying for me. I'm ever so grateful.

I send you tons and tons of Love!!!

xoxo
Love,
Chad



Saturday, March 27, 2004

WORD : my key

Sent: 3/27/2004 5:49 PM


i traced your lips with my eyes
in my deep dream last nigh
i grazed your cheek with my fingertip
in that brief unconscious sip
of remembrance of our weeks of passion
our love shared before aborting the mission

i felt your warmth under my covers
in my dream that rediscovered
i drew you within my body and soul
before daylight the memory stole
of my longing for you all over again
but fantasies of once were I cannot depend

i dived deeply into your eyes of brown
in my dream of silent sounds
i poured my kisses upon your body
wishing for that time you caught me
when we swam within our fluid laughter
chancing a happily ever after

i licked my salty tears
in waking in lonely fear
i swallowed my lumped throat
as those hopes before afloat
sank when I opened my eyes to see
my key was no longer there with me

my love won't let go
i wish for you
the same was so

Monday, March 22, 2004

WORD : waking you

Sent: 3/22/2004 10:55 PM

I startle you, scare you, shake you to your core. I am the loud alarm throwing open your eyes, jolting your heart into a frantic beat, pinching at your every bed sore. I am roaring and shocking, to your every nerve electrifying. I am blaring me.

It's time to wake up.
The time for sleep is done.
You have slumbered enough.
You don't want to miss the sun.

I have tried to be kind, tried to be easy, tried to be quiet. I thought that in loving you, I shouldn't jar you from sleep in a commotion that seemed so piercingly defiant. So I was smooth and gentle, but rousing you wasn't that simple. I delicately murmured:

Please open your eyes.
It's time to wake up.
Tranquilly, you may rise.
You have slumbered enough.

But you turned over, you drooled, you began to snore. You wiped away the water I trickled, pushed away my hand that nudged you a little, detested me for refusing to let you sleep a little more. Coma held you captive, and to lethargy you had adapted. I could only swell.

It's time to wake up!
The time for sleep is done!
You have slumbered enough!
There is a war to be won!

So excuse my abrasive yell, my obtrusive rattle, my offensive tone. And finally, truly awaken to this my new tenacious, tough love thundering and roaring through your delicate, feeble comfort zone. Your unconsciousness shall quake, as with my blatant love you will wake.

I am blaring me.
I am blaring love.
Open your eyes to see
a screaming dove.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

WORD : today

Sent: 3/21/2004 8:01 PM

Winds greeted me today as I walked out of the cathedral after church this afternoon heading home. The blow blew dust in my eye, and I tearfully shrugged my way to my temporary resting place. My apartment is soon to not be mine, and I wonder where I will eventually land, as I have grown so tired of being yet another leaf carried by the winds from one place to the next. It again brings these questions and doubts of my place, my position, here in New York City. I have no want to move elsewhere, and yet, there remains a dissatisfaction with my present circumstance. I feel my potential swell inside me, like a carbonated drink shaken by a small child, just waiting for someone to pop an opening so that I can spew forth in luscious bubbles, giggles, and satisfaction.


Wednesday, March 17, 2004

WORD : it's time

Sent: 3/17/2004 10:20 PM

Dear All,

Back in August 2003, I didn't see a lot of need to send this to you. I was naive, or perhaps ever hopeful, to think that it could, would, should ever come to this, and yet, here it is. Here is this moment when the world hangs in a very precarious balance of love and hate. Love seems breaking into a flow, though it's far away from fully so. Compassion begins flickering. All the while, hatred seems rapid from ocean to ocean. Violence is continually birthed. It's the moment America can be Christ's Nation, unconditionally loving of every individual voice, or a Pharisaical Empire enforcing a traditional "morality" absent of true spirituality. Ultimately, it is the moment that I must be me, and tell who I am. Perhaps you'll see from behind my eyes.

Some of you might not understand what it is like to live in a world where you are hated. And yet, many of you face it every single day, for whatever that reason society hates you. I am hated. For much of my life, I was hated by myself. Intensely. My childhood was filled with a deep, sorrowful loathsomeness for me being me. And ironic that it was because of what religion taught me. Should it be religion that would make a child want to die? To leave this life before it began because I was made "wrong"? Religion taught me much, but thank God the Holy Spirit enlightened me with the spiritual gifts of Wisdom and Grace.

Therefore, I am blessed to be gay. Honestly, I never thought that I would ever say that. And it's assuring that it now comes so easily. I am so truly blessed. This very hard journey has certainly been worth the amazing views. If it had ever been a choice, I had always said that I would never choose this; however, now at this moment, I would not change one thing. I thank God for some unanswered prayers.

Alas, even in my acceptance of myself, I do still live in this human society which detests me. Further, recently, more torrents of fuel have been poured on its fire of abhorrence. And this is why I write you, because at this very moment there is a violent attack on me and other gay and lesbian persons gaining a great deal of momentum and force. It is an attack, that if successful, would strip me of worth as a human being in the world's society because of who I happen to be. It is venomous hatred in utter ignorance. It is a movement using religion to damn me here on earth, nevertheless my afterlife. It is completely void of Love. It is judgment at its most evil. And it is NOT Christian.

They may say that my love of another is a horror. They can charge me with laws of nature. They do accuse me of being wicked. Yet love leads me as it always has. And God has taught me to stop trying to change that. He allows me to be me, just as I am. He'll never stop loving me. As He won't stop loving you.

As you can read, squelching this unjust movement is very important to me. And while I am not asking for you to become my advocates, although that is an ideal, I am needing and asking for your support and love. And if that perhaps is more than you are able at this time, more than anything, I do ask that when you are in the midst of all this talk, when words are thrown in blistering beats, stop and remember me for a moment. I am your family, your friend full of Love, and I am being persecuted. Every word spoken to oppress those that are like me also oppresses me. I beg you to pray to God before you join in speaking their rhythm. Change happens within, so I cry to your soul. From this mountaintop, I'm shouting from my heart to yours. I am Chad. Help me.

Below I have reprinted the letter I wrote to President Bush in August of 2003 when there was first mention of a Constitutional Amendment banning same-sex marriage. These are my thoughts on what is moving forward. Ultimately, you may agree or disagree, and I judge you not for your decision. Nevertheless, I do hope that you'll at least open your heart in attempts to understand.

I love you,

Chad

Thursday, March 4, 2004

WORD : mud fight

Sent: 3/4/2004 11:58 PM


we're going to hate them both
the mud fight won't seem so fun
when they are stripped down to their truths
and are children in a sand box
only hoping to have won

they're really going to throw some toys
their tantrums will be long run
and we'll hate they hate each other
wishing they'd find that some
of anything other than fighting
the slinging being done

little leader just you tell me
and i might just perk up stunned
that you are actually talking to me
telling what you want for me
and not simply making fun
of the other one

so

please don't let us hate them both
let there be some good within Your sons
America is promised to be something beautiful
without good within the leader it is futile
we need Love here by the tons
to be Your Kingdom

either other
bless them Father


Tuesday, March 2, 2004

WORD : Harding called

Sent: 3/2/2004 8:59 PM

Harding University just called. Their student asked for "Mister Gurley," and I replied with, "This is he." Immediately he began into a speech of numbers and raised dollars amounts. I stopped him cold. "Before you go on, just tell me, how do you feel about gay marriage?" He was only silent for a half a moment. "I think it's wrong." I smiled to myself and said, "See, I don't think it is. That's why I can't offer anything to you today. I am sorry."

He was silent for a full moment. "Uh, okay, thank you, goodbye."

Gay alumni of Harding University. We're here.