WORD : helping anti-helpees

Sent: 5/26/2004 10:18 PM

She was walking down the steps from Low Library when she tripped on her high heel and fell out at the bottom step. Her friend spun round to try to catch her, and when she couldn't, she offered her hand to help her from the concrete. Both of them were shocked by the mishap, and yet the friend pulled the other to her feet, and with a quick turn of the shoe, they were both back standing, laughing, and walking towards their prior destination.

I have offered my hand to a friend as of late. He seems to have fallen and seems to be seeking some help in getting back up, yet no matter how much I plead and beg for him to take my hand, he seems to remain somewhat content in his moaning on the concrete, in his despair in that he has stumbled. He hears my hope. He sees my help. But he refuses it all adamantly. So what does one do when he has a friend in such a circumstance? How long does one wait patiently with his hand outreached to his friend, offering encouragement, offering help, only to find the other so consumed with the scrapes and bruises that he simply ignores any positivity rippling towards him? And truly, it does seem so unfortunate for both of us that when he does reach out his hand to mine, rather than letting me pull him upwards, he feels inclined to pull me towards the ground. It's all too profound.

So you may lie here if you like. I cannot tell for you what is right. Nevertheless, my destination is urgently calling, so I must continue on with my plight. Therefore, please forgive me if I leave you here. I am only human; it is only Christ Who can cease your tears. Realize God will save you from your falling.

And for me, He beckons me to stop my stalling.

So on I must go.

WORD : broken shatters

Sent: 5/22/2004 11:40 PM

There is a weariness that has fallen onto my life as of late. I don't really know how to describe it or where it has come from, but, alas, it is here, and I find myself tired and somewhat lacking in hope. This is a personal lacking, a lacking in hope for me, and I pray continually that it will change, that God will fill me once again, and that I will soon move foward with confidence and encouragement. As I walk a long tunnel from the street to the subway, along the ground are shattered pieces of broken glass, reminding me of how I am feeling just now, shattered and broken. The routine of my days bores me and leaves me feeling unchanged, while little blows and mistakes step on my fragments, splintering them into more and more pieces. I pray for help and mending.

WORD : life dreams

Sent: 5/25/2004 1:07 PM

I have been waking in anxiety from a reoccurring dream as of late. I open my eyes, my breath short, my eyes filled with tears, and it takes a few moments before I realize that it was just a dream. Although the situations of the dreams differ in some respects, the overall theme of the dream seems to remain consistent. I am in school. Some of the dreams are of high school, not my specific high school, but the feeling that I am in high school all over again in a different place, a different circumstance. Then, some of the dreams are of college, sometimes Harding University where I attended, sometimes a different university altogether. For various reasons within the dreams, I miss classes and miss exams. I'm either running here or there or attending to something I feel is more important. Nevertheless, even in all my scurry, there is a knowing that I am absent from those things needed for me to succeed, for me to graduate. However, still I miss, and while doing so, I find myself filled with grieving worry and tortuous anxiety that I am to fail.

Lately, I've started wondering if this has something to do with my life. I wonder if I am missing important things, lacking important motivation, neglecting important aspirations, and, in turn, am surely to fail in this life. I pray and pray for clarity, for God to offer me some guidance on what it is I am lacking, what it is I should be seeking, what it is that I am called to do. And while I think I might understand His subtle direction, I have no idea how to get there which causes me to wonder if it is His will at all? Where is the class being held? Where is the test I should take? I cry out for His help, but I hear only the echo of my own voice across the canyon. I wonder if God is tired of answering me, is close to giving up on me, as perhaps I haven't been really listening, or if I have, haven't taken the initiative to do His will for my life. That's all I've ever prayed: Whatever You want for me God, is what I want for me. But what does He want? Do I know? And if I do, how do I move forward towards it? I am perplexed, scared, and filled with anxiety. Time is passing me by and as my wheels are not turning, I look out the window thinking that I am moving backwards.

Oh dear Lord, help me!

WORD : AIDS Walk 2004

Sent: 5/25/2004 11:42 AM

On May 16, 2004, my good friend, John, and I walked with The Riverside Church's team in the AIDS Walk here in New York City, a 6 mile walk to benefit GMHC and other organizations fighting AIDS across the world. It was a momentous occasion, and one that was quite joyful, being the first time that either of us had walked for such. Overall, the AIDS walk raised over 5 million dollars, a million more dollars than last years walk, and The Riverside Church's team raised over $5,000. It was a WONDERFUL day and event!

WORD : loneliness & love in the afternoon

Sent: 5/23/2004 9:17 PM

Today, we marched across the Brooklyn Bridge for Marriage Equality. It was a beautiful day. The sun was beaming through clouds, and the breezes across the river cooled our bodies. Everyone involved was filled with enthusiasm as we waved our signs and banners hoping someone out there would hear our voices, understand, and offer support of our small minority. We laughed and joked along the way, made new friends, and pressed forward to Battery City Park for a small rally where we were greeted by politicians and activists sharing our vision of what true equality really is. As I sat on the grass in the shadow of a large tree, I looked upon the many faces that were there. So many couples holding hands sat across the lawn, and my heart knotted in the lonely realization that I was there fighting for something that I didn’t know if I would ever see in my lifetime. Again I found myself wondering if a relationship would ever be a part of my earthly fortune, as I have remained single for such a long time, my entire life it would seem, except for the few fleeting romances that I have had the happiness of sharing. Yet those romances within the look of time seem mere blinkings of my eyes compared to the cold, long stare of loneliness which seems to never divert its gaze from me. Alas and nevertheless, when again looking at those couples who have found such companionship, such love here, my selfish jealousy took flight, and I passionately felt again why I am committed to this noble cause, for in contrast to my lacking, their finding their loves of lifetimes should absolutely be celebrated and certainly not condemned. For if I was to find such love, no people, society or laws could keep me from declaring it to the world. As that is my hope for me, it remains my hope for all.

WORD : war war

Sent: 5/1/2004 8:25 PM


war war
such a sore
and yet people say
without war
it'd be a bore
without fighting
where's the entertaining
the fun debating
the emotions raging
all the playing

war war
what's it for
and yet people say
for freedom
for God's Kingdom
on both sides of the fence
human lives spent
they rage and vent
it's for freedom
ignorant that it lives within

war war
at it's core
people assimilate
to the same
ignoring their own name
their individuality unclaimed
to one side they stand
contrary to His command
Love others
no matter what land
they don't understand

war war
what gore
horrendous no matter season
cause there's absolutely no reason
in the 21st century we're believing
your mom or dad or sister or brother
friend kinfolk family lover
on either side the fence
should die at the expense
of what Christ already did
for you

it's true
He gave you freedom
Forgiveness is your mission
true too

listen

war war
what's in store
people want it to continue
the slaughter really within you
struggling in sleep's chains
afraid for their beyond today
when it's really quite plain
that all their plans planning
could not even happen
just to have today
uncanny

war war
it's such a bore
and I honestly say
without war
we'd all soar
without mighting
and our love inviting
lives would be blooming
human energy zooming
true Love ruling
God's Peace Ensuing
from Christ in you
do

war war
according to lore
when the fight is finally over
and our ailing Earth Mother
seems unlikely to recover
and our sad children look around and wonder
what was all their war for
Jesus had already won
for each and every one
what was all the hate for
as we are truly all one
stunned
that Time was finally done

so no war no war

and hope