Sent: 4/29/2003 4:27 PM
Recently, I responded to a letter that I received from my wonderful friend, A. Within it, I learned much about myself, and I thought to share it with you.
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Dear A,
Although I'm not in your circumstances, and it would seem that mine are better as I have a job, a wonderful church home, and friends in the city that support me, I do understand your feelings as I've been asking myself the same exact questions. Is God listening? Just last night, my friend, Ines, and I were sitting on the roof of my apartment building, gazing at the stars, and wondering when things were going to get better for us, for the world. When were these promises that have been made going to come into fruition? When will things change?
After the war with Iraq started and has now completed, I have been suffering many feelings of defeat. It has been quite a depressing time as I feel that all the work I had been doing for peace and all the writing I had done for the sake of love has seemed ignored. Two years of my life I have spent in a creative surge only to find no tangible benefits. Still the world runs corrupted. Still the powers that be make decisions that cause lives to suffer. Personally, still I find myself stuck in a job that drains me by not tapping into my potential. Still I'm feeling like a trained monkey that shuffles paper from file to desk to file, therefore leaving me apathetic about the work and simply doing it to feed me, shelter me, clothe me. (It may be a living, but it would seem far from REALLY living.) And still I suffer financial burdens that seem to never ease as I live from hand to mouth, a troublesome predicament that furthers with lawyers and collections ringing my phone consistently. And all of this, plus more I won't even go into just now here, has left me feeling very, very weary. It is easy for me to fall into despair, and the hopelessness that used to plague me when I was severely depressed seems to seep from dark corners to haunt me.
I keep screaming to the sky, what do You want me to do? For all I desire is to do God's will. I look up, and I groan and cry and pray that my spirit will say all the things that need to be said to God that I'm unable to find the words to express. Lately, I've run out of words, telling God, this is just a broken record, skipping back to the same prayers of 'oh please help me' that I feel like I've been praying for so long now. With nothing new to say, I depend on the Holy Spirit to intercede and petition God on my behalf. And honestly, I find myself telling God that I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope, that if something doesn't change for the better soon, I will be too exhausted to carry on. I need some good in my life; some good! And I need that good soon. It's not a threat. It's not a test. It's just where I am.
And that's where my faith blesses me. Faith steps in and says, Chad, you know that God is never late. He is always right on time with His answers and blessings. In fact, I've experienced this in my own life many times; however, I easily overlook them with the worries of today. One of great importance in my life is recalling how God saved me from killing myself at a seemingly late moment; however, in actuality, it was at the perfect moment that He pulled the gun from my hand and told me to live. It was at the perfect moment in my life that He declared that He has a purpose for me and my life, and that my giving up on it all was not in His will. I'm afraid that if He had come earlier, the significance of His grace would hardly have been as powerful, glorious, and loving. If He had come earlier, I don't know if I'd be as dedicated to Him as I am today. Even Biblically, we remember that Lazarus was dead in the grave when Christ came at the right time to raise him and display God's glory. We also remember the disciples in deep panic over the stormy waves and the tossing sea, only to have Christ waken and come at just the right time to calm all and show the pointlessness of worry. Yes, this "in the meantime" of mourning may seem an eternity, but it's not. This feeling of drowning, so close to the point of breathing in the water engulfing me, may discourage me from thinking that I will survive, but I realize that it's not by my strength I'll be saved. God and God alone. I must believe. I do believe. I must hope, even if it's to hope for hope. So I hope.
Truly showers of blessings are on their way, if we believe that they are and believe that God will provide them. And I do. He will. With that knowing, I've found myself uplifted, and in this upliftment, I've begun preparing things for the change that I know God will grant. I've decided to step out into the Red Sea and depend on God to part it for me. Resurrect me Lord!
I don't know if this helps you or offers you anything. I hope in some way it might. One thing I would like to add, however, is - Alan, you are a blessing to my life and to the world. Please do try to see that. With your convictions and determination, someday I can see you becoming a leader who will help to keep the same struggles you are going through now from being inflicted on others, on our own or friends' children, or even, may I be so bold, on an entire country's population. Your political motivations coupled with your faith and love are truly heaven-sent as they are rarely seen among the majority of persons in the world. You are unique, and I am certain that the Book of Life contains the book of "Alan" just as "Job". It may SEEM a curse; however, it remains true that great characters only come through great suffering. Nevertheless, even through the suffering, remember, it was you that enlightened me to so many causes. It was you who motivated me through those difficult times before the war and helped to encourage all the efforts that we made to prevent it. It was you that gave so much then, and it is promised that you will be rewarded. You know, I guess the reason why I sent that devotion to you today is because I believe it's time for us to begin collecting. And the first step is telling God that you plan to do so, and then believe.
This are my thoughts for what they're worth. I am praying earnestly for you and love you!
