Sent: 7/10/2006 11:44 AM
what can i say now?
what do i tell you
now that you aren't here?
what does this world
look like, really?
who really
understands my tears?
questions.
and you said
we should live them.
but you stopped.
and i don't know what
to do with that.
i'm lonely.
i'm broken.
i'm searching.
i'm afraid.
my faith is shaken
to its core.
and i don't know
what to do with that.
i'm lost.
i'm in great pain.
you were my best friend.
my best friend.
i know people don't say that
after the fourth grade,
still
you were my best friend.
My only brother.
My always.
The one who got me.
That one person on this Earth
who really gets me.
Understood the words
coming out of my mouth
whether quiet or loud.
We whispered about
our cosmic connection,
that fateful day
the subway doors slid open;
my destiny finding
you waiting for me there
and we knew we would
always be together.
i thought we would,
always be together.
Leonardo and Chad.
Oh my Leonardo!
My Soulmate.
My One.
Who i missed out on.
Within my personal
confessional,
i would say
that the resounding
answered 'why?'
must be
that i wasn't there
for you.
i allowed
my own suffering
and depression
to drown me
so much so
that I missed
your call.
and you missed
my call.
and we missed
calls
all the way
around.
Damn!
Fuck!
i let you down.
please please
forgive me.
so now missed calls
are replaced
with missing you
missing our magical
Peter Pan companionship,
playing together
as adult children
all these ten years
we shared
in our twenties
and just a little
beyond.
in life
you did
inspire me
so much:
to understand and embrace:
the fun of climbing trees
and trekking along wooded trails.
the humor of our innate silliness
in making funny faces, clownish gestures,
and speaking in cartoonish voices.
the freedom of somersaults and handstands
in the crowded sheep's meadow
no matter who was watching.
the ecstacy of movement,
expressing feeling through dance.
the confidence of staring
across a room towards another
reaching for your eyes.
the great importance of accepting
a loving touch.
the creativity in drawing
outside the lines of convention
and tradition.
the silent disruption
of wearing torn disealed jeans
while conferencing with
suits of the republic of bananas.
the necessity of standing
up for ourselves,
debating those
who say we are wrong.
the sheer and utter joy
of wearing dresses without any shame.
the fulfillment in my finally
accepting the girl in me.
i felt us grow together
as you nourished a new me
away from the timid, self-hating
little boy you first met.
i grew
in your learning me to express myself
as an individual.
i grew
as you taught me to accept
exactly what i am feeling,
without the shoulds or should nots.
i grew
as you showed me that anger
is a worthy emotion
to be embraced and used for good.
i grew
as you broke down those walls within myself,
silencing the harsh voices
who said i shouldn't be.
i grew
because you demonstrated to me
that we can be,
we have dignity,
so i have the right to be me.
i grew
because you gave me
the courage to live.
and now you've died.
and i don't know what
to do with that.
i'm confused.
i'm hopeless.
i'm abandoned.
i'm angry
because i feel
like you cheated me,
that you cheated you.
everything i learned from you
i guess you were still learning too.
but there was so much more
growing we had left to do.
Yet you were ready to end your dance.
through playing with chance.
the time was up,
the pain too great to bear,
the tears exhausted,
so you made your exit.
and that makes sad
so very, very sad,
so that i don't know what
to do anymore.
i'm stagnant.
i'm empty.
for i love you so much.
you must know
that i love you.
you must know,
i love you so much.
did you doubt it?
did you believe
that you were not
loved?
did you think
i wouldn't notice
your absence?
did you forget
my eternal love
for you?
well if you remember,
then meet me again
someday,
back in fourth grade,
my best friend,
i'll wait out
on baseball's right field
sitting in the grass
picking at clover
for no one is hitting
out here
except maybe you
and we will talk
and talk
and listen
and listen
and talk
and listen
and then
we'll laugh
just before becoming silent
at your finding
our four leaf clover,
then we’ll escape together
over the hedge
long before
the game is over.
next time.
i will miss you so much
until the next time.
Love,
Chad
~ Dedicated to Leonardo Smith, 10/12/1972 - 06/05/2006
