Monday, May 27, 2002
This weekend, I woke up from a dream I had been having for far too long. Finally, my eyes were opened, and my heart spent Sunday mourning the loss before today discovering the joy in really letting go. That is not something easy for my heart, for it seemed to feel so certain in its direction that it would never be shaken from it's rigid stand. Nevertheless, it became aware and happily let go of that which was never to provide a happy ending in my life.
There's something so joyful in finally telling my heart that it is truly time to let go. There is something so happy about valuing my time, confidently telling myself that my time is valuable and waiting, even for the one that I so truly love, is not an option any longer. There's such a release when knowing that it is not meant to be.
Joy in letting go
in saying enough
in valuing myself
"Where are you going?" I asked my heart, as it grabbed my hand and ran towards his soul. "Don't you know I've been there before? Don't you remember the pain incurred along the way?" My heart barely listened, remembering only the joy and longing for it again.
It was quite painful letting go. In fact, I spent Sunday under my covers wishing the world would go away, for I hardly understood how my heart could be so misleading. That is what it felt like. Like my heart was pushing me down a winding, crooked road towards what would sooner or later be despair. How could my heart be so wrong? Perhaps it isn't. Perhaps it's all timing. Nevertheless, the time for me has come and gone, and I won't venture there again.
I will always love you. Hope.
