ME : seeking love

Sent: 12/20/2005 7:33 PM


i find myself seeking love
in roaring desperation
a lion on the prowl

ME : His clicks

Sent: 12/20/2005 7:29 PM


His clicks mean that you are both beginning to fight,
and that doesn't seem quite right,
because you both know you fear Him,
so better to love one another than test any of them.

ME : to cry.

Sent: 12/20/2005 7:19 PM


i feel as if i might
burst into tears
at any moment.
walking down
the sidewalk,
eyes glazed,
staring off ahead
of me at a blur.
i notice only
the streaks of light
twirling around
the fluorescents
in a kind of dance
of melancholy.
and it seems
always this way.
and it seems that
this is the way
i feel the most comfort,
yet the most discontent.
i hardly remember
what love felt
like anymore.
i can barely remember the joy
of looking into a face
who looked back adoringly.
and yet,
i am not even sure he's
who i am missing or sad for.
i feel that i
have broken
my own heart
somehow.
inadvertently,
i smashed it
with my own unkind words
and scolding.
it's as if i must
abuse grace
to believe it,
or strive for perfection
in ignoring it.
i teeter from one side
to another
unable to find balance.
and this petrifies me
into a place
of complete
and utter
stillness.
i do not
move.
i stand
alone.
and it
is
there
that
i
begin
to cry.

ME : thinking of words

Sent: 12/20/2005 6:50 PM


if i were to think of words to write down on this page
i think their meaning for you would not quite be the same

as mine

for words are evolving creatures in consensus among us all
Webster enters a five six and seven so somewhere there's a fall

in semantics

ME : U

Sent: 12/16/2005 8:15 PM


i'm going to read
a speech today
just me being me
and telling you
all i need to say
there is

ME : attic

Sent: 12/16/2005 8:13 PM


he told us
to go everywhere,
to view his house
in its entirety,
so as i tried to climb
the ladder to the attic,
the steps fell
off the wall,
as he ran up to me
to say,
that was just for show.

ME : constipated

Sent: 12/15/2005 11:02 PM


my muse has left me
run off with the sandman
to make inspired babies
cuddling next to the ocean
and i'm left here alone

constipated

salt between my legs
itching my hair
the ideas pound yet
quake instead of
surfing the shore

exiting

ME : eggs

Sent: 12/3/2005 12:06 AM


it's left me
disappeared
like the Easter eggs
i've looked for
before
in the country club greens
somehow never
to be found
by me at least
and i felt alone
not wanting to win
'the one with the least'

you know
i might have won that time

ME : dark

Sent: 12/3/2005 12:05 AM


you were fumbling in the dark
for the light switch
under the nightlight
that had burned out two nights ago
when you gave the advice
to see

ME : gutter times

Sent: 12/3/2005 12:00 AM


i've fallen back down into the gutter
and still i hear echoed footsteps stop
Light beams through the bars' shadows
and His hand reaches through lines
to touch mine

ME : i wish it would run into a stretch

Sent: 12/2/2005 11:58 PM


i wish it would run into a stretch
cast my arms open wide
lean back into into the pulling
feel the weight of my belonging
knowing it will come

i wish i could finally feel free
to be totally me
cascading

ME : a gun for shooting doves

Sent: 12/2/2005 11:55 PM


he had
a gun for shooting doves
in the glove compartment
of his car

ME : gratitude

Sent: 11/12/2005 12:00 AM


If i'm doing perfect in the laws
but not doing perfect in the love
flowing from my imperfect person
therefore not being who i am
me
so very saved by Grace
who's flawed and human
some crazy and some wild
yet Loved.

Then I'm a fool.


Who do you look for
wherever you are?

ME : not perfect

Sent: 11/5/2005 5:40 PM


i'm so sorry that i can't be perfect.
i'm so sorry that it is so impossible.
i try and
try and try
and try and
try and try.

and i'm so sorry i can't be perfect.
i'm so sorry when i let you down.
i want you to be happy.
yet i'm not happy.
so right now,

i can't even make myself go around.
around and around. until, i feel stuck.

ME : eight

Sent: 11/5/2005 5:29 PM


W 4th
F to
2nd

Houston & 1st
btwn 2nd & 1st

8:30 p.m.

Make that
8

ME : a ladybug

Sent: 11/2/2005 10:43 PM


a ladybug
crawled out
on the leaf
of an oak tree
just outside
my bathroom window
beyond the wind
chimes swaying
in a clock's
rhythm

ME : ultimate

Sent: 11/2/2005 10:39 PM


i say 'ultimately'
a lot lately. perhaps
i feel that i am
at the point in time where
i see things in their
Ultimate.

like the
whole world in my
Feeling.

Or just perhaps
i see neon gloves on
a red haired girl
flipping her strobing
metallic toe
and that's an
ultimate.

Who knows?

ANEW : 661.00

Sent: 8/16/2005 11:50 PM


just write. just write. just tell. just tell. just give it all.
just find your fall. just be. just be. just be. just find. a way.

you'll see. oh, i'm trying to see. you'll see. and i'm confused.
I'll see. i'm trying to see but i'm blinded. I'll go. will you lead
me through?

have faith. yes i do believe You truly. have faith. confusion has
peace when believing. faith believes. yes it does and i hear You and
i'm walking. go on. a little sheep of Your flock, thank You Your
rod. i'm a bit of God,


and i'm Humbled.

ANEW : seen before

Sent: 8/16/2005 11:31 PM


i gave some meaning
tonight
a light i shone in
the dark muddled haze
of leaping frogs
and shadowed in
lushness of lily pads
and i have to wonder
is it closer to the
moon than what i've
seen before

ANEW : today's poetry in motion

Sent: 8/16/2005 11:18 PM


that is poetry in motion:
the song upon your heart
ringing in whatever tone,
giving you some start.

the rhythm’s slow,
the rhythm fast;
sometimes good
and sometime's bad,

yet what is to be had
is all within you,

discover you

for you
are the Heart.

ANEW : Abandoned

Sent: 8/15/2005 8:48 PM


Where are the words,
dear Lord?
Is there nothing to say?
I am in some pain
over my letter to my friends
and family
about my being gay
and my position on gay marriage.
I do not want to hurt my parents.
I do not want to cause them pain.
I don't understand
what my life is all about,
and sometimes I become confused
and doubtful of my existence.
Oh Lord,
my God,
please guide
and direct me.
Help me dear Lord
as I search and seek You.
Lift me from this melancholy
and help me to be joyful
at last.
For so long I have searched
for joy,
and ever always
it seems just beyond my reach.
Is it my duty or destiny
to suffer
in this life?
I am confused
and worried.
Be with me,
my dear Father.
Comfort me,
Your child.
I am lost.
Find me.
Draw me near
to Your heart.
In Jesus Christ's Name
I pray.
Love, Chad

ANEW : the next poem

Sent: 8/15/2005 8:47 PM


the next poem seems within me
yet somewhere nestled deep
and out the moment of birthing panic
it will finally be free

there is a verse to be sung
that i have yet to know the tune
a melody for every tongue
the light for many like you

the artist's pad may be blank
but energy roars towards fingertips
and soon when all is outloud
the sketch will come to life

and live.

ANEW : weakling

Sent: 8/15/2005 8:46 PM


you know

i never
remember
them
telling me
i was
strong

it makes
difficult
finding
during now
that i am
not weak

Gracefully not

ANEW : chick

Sent: 7/13/2005 8:44 PM


and she's yelling at her
a little girl
is crying inside the hall
crying and weeping
and crying in the hall
resounding
within my quiet walls
and i hear their voices
call down my hall
she's a woman
in her fifties
and she's yelling
at the child

the woman's angry
has had enough
it was finally done
while baby cries
and she cries
as the woman scolds
and scolds
as they climb the fifth stair
their voices vibrating
in my apartment complex's walls
our lives in unison
yet not knowing each other
while sharing
the same dwelling
nevertheless still
her cries are echoing
down the iron, marble,
and tile fall

people are now
coming to their doors
saying a hello
trying to see
what's up
regarding this child
that won't shut up
they hear the woman
as she laughs
bearing a fake
controlled grin
greeting each of them
with simply acting past
'a how do you do'
while bawling child
is in hand
that weeping baby
completely dismissed
and ignored
all the while pushing towards
their home's door

then suddenly
my ears catch
another child call out
lightly happy
calling to his mother
in a closer apartment
on my floor
and i hear his mother answer
within the wall
as child still questions

when
wham
bam
there is slam
and a hard
tight click
behind the door
an invisible wall
the sobbing child
is silenced
and becomes
just a chick

yet i know she's more

ANEW : sun

Sent: 7/1/2005 8:22 PM


seems we're anxiously
waiting
next to glass
towards sky
for the sun
to rise

missing
the knock
at the door
of our neighbor
asking,
how we are

how shall we
honor
the Son

ANEW : Who is Jesus

Sent: 6/21/2005 10:21 PM


I.

When everything
is drowning your every,
He walks into the room.
In silence,
He sits down next,
beside you,
and He puts His arm
around your shoulders,
and flinchless,
you fall
into His warm hug.

you break down and cry,
and He leans in,
listening to every word.
you never hear a sigh,
a murmered wondered "why?",
because He Loves you,

And He knows
and understands
what it is like
to be human in life.
He did the Perfect God
through human,
and we love Him.


II.


Oh my Savoir,
the Fulfillment
of the Holy Story
that is God's History
on the Earth.

You are God's
Sacrifical Lamb
doing what Father Abraham,
Father of Humanity,
was finally told
not to do.

Lay down
His Own Son
on the blood
spilled altar,
because of belief
and faith
in You.

Instead,
Abraham and Issac
sacrificed a lamb
in appreciation
of Your Amazing
Mercy.

You, Jesus,
are the Ultimate
Sacrifice
God did do.
Truly,

Paid the price
for me,
setting us free,
because life
is so hard
to live
Your Being,

The Real
as You Did,
when You
were on Earth;

For You were honest
outward / inward
through and through


You are God.


III.


Oh my dear
Older Brother,
You have been my Hero
from the start
deep inside my heart
in every
single
way.

I want
so much
to be
like You.

And it's now
I realize
that I'll never
be able
to achieve that,

so
I must
be me
just me
through You

for God.

i'm so Thankful
that You Knew me
from the Start.


IV.

Jesus Saves me!!!



V.


And That's Grace.

ANEW : another

Sent: 6/20/2005 8:42 PM


i have come to the point
where i have more fun
by myself
for some reason so afraid
to be hurt/hurt another
so alone

i go on wearily wandering
no longer understanding
the reason
for not needing another
when some person loves me
i hope

ANEW : Untitled

Sent: 6/16/2005 8:55 PM


i'm simply a part
of the carpet of God
very simply a single
colored thread
in The Full Tapestry

that is
God's Masterpiece

ANEW : what is going on?

Sent: 6/16/2005 8:40 PM


sometimes i don't know where i am,
what's going on,
what i should be doing,
if i should be doing anything.

it's a weird moment for me,
one that is uneasy,
and one that i'm feeling right now.

i don't know, God.

i'm afraid of myself,
just afraid.
what is that about,
and why do i mistrust myself.

i feel that i do me wrong,
that's why.
do i need to give myself a break,
or do i just need to relax in You?

i'm confused
and desperately need
Guidance.

In Jesus Christ's Name.

ANEW : the ring

Sent: 6/1/2005 11:05 PM


I have finally
caused my phone
not to ring

it is a dangerous
feeling
that causes
me to reflect
on my being

it is a sad
feeling
that causes
me to long
for affection

it is a perpetuated
feeling
that allows
me to sabotage
any progression

Oh please
Help me
find the ring.

ANEW : environment

Sent: 5/31/2005 8:34 PM


it may be hard
to see the difference
in the climate now
as it was when it all began
but you and i both know
that because of humans
it really has changed
drastically

ANEW : hero saves child

Sent: 5/31/2005 8:31 PM


it had ended with
the child lifted
into his father's breast
and there he sank into him
finally knowing a little rest
his blood stained cheeks and arms
tearful eyes ringing with death
exhausted limp upturned palms
his peaceful smile at its best
was all he could offer
his only hero


~In memory of the siege at Beslan's No 1 school.~~~

ANEW : pigeon

Sent: 5/31/2005 8:27 PM


at lunchtime
i laid outside
on Columbia's
library's steps
to take a nap
in the sun
it is a time
that i get away
from it all
i lay
i meditate
i pray
the sun was warm
the breezes cool
the trees shushed
a brushed melody
transfixing me
when lost
in that seizure
of peace
i bit my tounge
sharp pain
jolting
a suddenly
to open my eyes
to see
that right
there beside me
also napping
rather close
to my demined knee
was a white bird
almost a dove
but not quite
with eyes closed
resting
feathers
breathing
nested
and me realizing
this was me

a pigeon

ANEW : Okay

Sent: 5/29/2005 10:08 PM


just after the moment
i lift my eyes
to Jesus
to say
to pray
i believe
i so believe
in You
no matter what
i have faith
suddenly
without my testing
or longing for some miraculous sign
a sparkling red heart
shaped balloon
brushes blue sky
and clouds of white
God sends
me love
Love

and so I know
We're Okay.

ANEW : the work

Sent: 5/29/2005 9:57 PM


the work you need to do
is the work of being yourself
as God created you to be

Love you!

ANEW : singing birds

Sent: 5/29/2005 9:41 PM


we're singing birds
and our melodies are different
each's rhythm unique
yet when we tone
the same note
we both pause in wonder
'that was like me'
then immediately sing louder

ANEW : girlhood

Sent: 4/23/2005 10:46 PM


When I was a child,
I had a limp wrist.
My arm would rise up
as my hand dangled below.
Every time daddy saw me
carrying myself so,
he would slap my hand down,
training me to be a boy.
Boy oh boy.

When I was a child,
I was a pretty girl.
My hair a strawberry blonde
with naturally curly locks.
Every time mommy heard
such candid remarks,
she would clip off my hair,
so the presumption would stop.
Clippity clop.

Yet somehow girlhood
never got chopped off.

ANEW : pool

Sent: 4/12/2005 11:59 PM


she teaches
that you there
rushing
through water
to save the others
drowning
not knowing
how to swim
and
knowing not
how to swim
in a muddy pool
must save yourself
before drowning
others

ANEW : laundry coffee

Sent: 4/12/2005 11:19 PM


he was a fifth grader
in a chair pulled up in front
of the dryers
fast asleep
who when awoke to see me
said, i need some coffee

ANEW : i am a leper

Sent: 4/3/2005 1:39 AM


i am a leper.
my skin is scarred in droplets of red,
cracked cells.
they ooze and bleed.
people fear my touch,
and shun my smile.
i am ignored.
i feel i am a disease.
something to be feared and rejected.
and for that,
forgive me.

now they are healing and becoming different.
and you accept them and ignore them
and send me a grin of hi.
and i'm suddenly noticed
and wonder how those spots
lead me to believe
that i was alienated
by society
yet i was,
and for that,
forgive us all.

ANEW : this thing in me

Sent: 4/2/2005 10:16 PM


this thing in me
that has to get this way
to spill my guts
and be open
about everything
that is
for me

this longing in me
that i want this way
to be understood
and not be alone
about my feeling
that moment
today

this damning in me
that needs to cry
to offer my tears
and repent
about being me
that chad
through Grace

this hoping in me
that seeks divine guidance
to the way to go
and believe
about the Love
that's given
To me

this thing is
Me
looking for Place.

ANEW : cry out about your lives

Sent: 3/27/2005 8:19 PM


cry out about your lives
good poets
sing out and loud about
all that you see
do not hesitate to speak
your mind to us
and quicken our hearts
at familiar sounds

cry out about your lives
honest poets
tell us your story here
while among us
if there is depth to be
found in existence
you must be the ones
to illustrate it

cry out about your life
inner poet
live the word you want
to write upon a page
of the chapter
stanza and verse
of your book of life
which is now


now go
and tell it

ANEW : whatever is going on

Sent: 3/21/2005 11:06 PM


whatever is going on
i trust You
i can hardly say what is
but it is
and it is something
there are times when i feel bad
like longing
leads to nothing
but i wearily hope
and hope
towards something
for i know
it's You i seek
and eventually
You'll be found
so i'll continue
in whatever is going on
and be

just be

ANEW : Maranatha Prayer, March 13, 2005

Sent: 3/18/2005 11:06 PM

Our Most Dear and Loving God,

We thank You for this glorious day and all that is in it. We praise your Holy Name for all the many blessings that you give us as well as the struggles that strengthen us and our eternal bond with You. We trust You in all things, dear Lord, and know that all is working towards Your glory and Your good.

Dear God we are so ever grateful for this man, your servant, Dr. James Forbes, here before us today. He is our minister, our friend and our brother, and we are continually renewed by the message You have given to him in including us in Your family, inviting us under Your wing. Many of us, if not all of us, have been touched by his words of Your Love for us, and our lives have been changed and blessed by this wonderful man. We are so grateful to You, dear God.

In this hour, Lord, we beg you to come into this room. Fill each and every one of us with Your Holy Spirit. Embrace our hearts so that we may ask your messenger the questions that You would have us ask, the questions for the answers You have already laid upon his heart. Fill us and fill Dr. Forbes with your divine wisdom, dear God. Help us to ask and speak in honest Love so that when we leave this room, we will be filled with Hope and strengthened in Faith.

We ask all these things in your precious Son's Name, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

ANEW : need it

Sent: 3/18/2005 10:57 PM


i don't want it to be
through violence
that i find that light of love
and share to each and all
the care of you

i don't want it to be
a bomb's fall
that i seek you in the dark
and reach to my only
the hand of yours

i do need it to be
peace

ANEW : boll weevils in egyptian cotton

Sent: 3/18/2005 2:45 PM


i have become a slave to the
boll weevils in my egyptian cotton
i am accustomed to their burning holes
in my ecru to crimson flowers
their gripping hooks from green
leaf to swollen budding seed
injecting long needled snouts
to suck life from my field
i no longer am surprised when their
eggs laid multiply into plague
my dying fruit their crib and milk
before they blossom into a new swarm
leaving my puffy snow white fruition dead
never to be born shown or known
bound i pray, let my harvest grow

ANEW : our music

Sent: 2/16/2005 9:36 PM


you and me are like birds calling in the fluorescent night
you call and call and chirp and squawk and call and call
and after one moment of silence as something creeps by
i call and call and squeak and click and call and call

then we begin singing and singing crescendos
of staccatos singing and sending our song

ANEW : vanity recedes

Sent: 2/16/2005 9:28 PM


it would be fasting
to give up my hair
to shave it off
to let it go
for i love hair
brushing softly
then hard
scratching
pulling strands
untangling knots
running through
with fingertips
eyes closed
grabbing
at the scalp
with my sigh
because i want hair
to catch its fall
to net a trapeze
to keep its number
it should be lasting

ANEW : subway script

Sent: 2/16/2005 9:26 PM


i sit in the subway, alone
and i stop to listen
to the screeching and momentum
pulling towards stopping
and i think of life
in its pull and push
towards something
that i think i know
and yet something
that surprises me

ANEW : know i want this

Sent: 2/16/2005 9:19 PM


know that i want this
bloodshed to cease
spirits offered by violence
to become extinct
i want it to be over
for the rubble to be homes
for glass in windows
for running water and electricity
mothers not to need to worry
cleaned stained red streets
i want children to feel safe
creating memories of joy
when they leave their front door
rather than fear
because of what they saw
just seconds before
explosions, gunfire
death

i want there to be life
and for dreams to not
be dependent on anything
except
love

ANEW : naked

Sent: 2/16/2005 9:13 PM


after september eleventh
i decided to be real
really real
pull off the many masks
i had been wearing
and changing
and wearing
how much time was left
before everyone got to see me
as me for me
naked

ANEW : nightowl

Sent: 2/16/2005 9:11 PM


i have become the
nightowl watching a
bubble gum ball roll
down the subway car
in haste towards
the exit door while white
lines by in the blackness
of the windows
mapping my nocturnal flight

shan't i be surprised
when my bubble bursts beyond
my exiting the train
to finding bright
light and day

ANEW : ask God for your love

Sent: 2/16/2005 9:01 PM


ask God for your love,
then let it go and
rest on Him. then be
patient knowing God will
answer Your prayer
right on time.

ANEW : a child

Sent: 2/11/2005 8:44 PM


a child knows to fall to the ground
when he hears shots fired
he climbs into the dirt road
looking for something to hold
he can't help the tears
remembering those he's loved
taken like this before
landing with hands over his head
listening for anything behind him
and after that exact moment
he runs
and runs
and runs
into his older brother's arms
who knows that he is too young
to live each day knowing
tomorrow might not make it

ANEW : honestly

Sent: 2/8/2005 9:34 PM


i honestly confess
that it will make me sad
if he is right
and all bloody battles must
go on and on
that killing many innocent
will ultimately give life
to each and all and everyone
for i thought
that we had
moved beyond that in time
that we were at a different place
than murdering, torturing
and sometimes slaughtering
human lives
all in order
to achieve peace

this
i do honestly confess

WORD : sun on the outside

Sent: 1/12/2005 2:25 PM


The sun's yellow scratched the cobalt blue of the sky
as one impassioned burst moved it far outside the line

So flustrated pigeon toes pecked at the linoleum's speckle
while Hillary and Scott cupped giggles over their freckles

At another small mistake that could not be erased
for crayola's colored wax medium evaded such grace

When round she strolled peering over half circles of glass
through which gigantic black pupils approved each with a pass

And around she tromped with cackling sounds against the floor
by pointy leather winged shoes each topped with eyelets of four

Until she suddenly stopped silent signaling someone's doom
my head began to pound within a shroud of musty sweet perfume

As spotty wrinkles pulled up my paper and pushed out a sad sigh
that green exhaust from martian rockets was not a good reason why

Nimble kindergarten fingers moved without precise intention
therefore it failed to be good enough, frowned her final decision

Which unknowingly birthed my defiance of artistic suppression
not believing bursting beyond boundaries begets imperfection

ANEW : be it

Sent: 1/24/2005 10:41 PM


you preach against tyranny
yet you are a tyrant
resembling dictators of before
owning your massive kingdom
through preemptive absolutism
launching your heavy military
using fear to force us to war
you ravaged peace as a whore
tell me once again
what we went there for

you preach about democracy
yet your machine runs solitarily
carefully suppressing
smoothly calculating
creating very scary
while we're all left here voiceless
oppressed beneath your mandate by one vote
as commanded by the new law you just wrote
we're tense in knowing that you rule
and ruling over rules you do

you preach for liberty
yet we pay to be your slaves
let us lettuce feed your baby
its covetous appetite a maze
increasing provincial productivity
so that wealthy masters are profiting
bought outright from historic inequality
earth's citizens starve for breath
pushing life's merry-go-round
round and around until their deaths

you preach of freedom
yet hold the only set of keys
just outside my grasping reach
in ridicule you dangle 'free'
before my land's native child
who cries to all humankind
for those blind to finally see
and seekers to fundamentally find
you blatantly covered in hypocrisy
as you taunt me by coercing,

'heaven's not far away
all you have to do
is do what i say'

for once you might want to listen
to your eloquent but corrupted idealism
and understand the words you deliver
when you're arrogantly kicking sand
in the faces you decree as sinners
for if heaven is truly close at hand
and your pretension is any sign
then right now is the exact time
to be it
before you preach it



de-f&-'ni-sh&n
words carry their meaning
and are valued as truth
only when they come from the heart

ANEW : not you

Sent: 1/21/2005 9:08 PM


you should not judge
for with the same severity
you also shall be judged
this it says in the Book

so if you're condemning to hell
you should better be
right.

Who's the judge.

you?

ANEW : tired.

Sent: 1/20/2005 9:26 PM


i wonder at those that say
homosexuality is like murder
if it's your nature
then why not?

i ponder upon those that say
gay is taking over the world
for it is evil
of course?

i lumber when those say
i am an abomination when around children
when a smile i send
simply says 'hi'

I am tired.

WORD : Yielding in infinity

Sent: 1/12/2005 2:26 PM


Her stop sign red fingernails tap
tap the frumpy brown formica diner table
in an impatient beat melody in double time
of the easy light music
juxtaposed her heavy fried food
and hard decision.

In frosted translucent golden plastic, her water ripples
ripples from inside to outside, perimeter to center
in circles growing and disappearing into their inceptions
before her crooked glance away
reflections in the window's glass where
green eyes go

She stutteringly utters the whisper -
trust your soul . . .