BEGINNINGS : Moonburn

Sent: 8/30/2001 11:23 AM

What is this sadness that whispers to me in the night? It’s something I wish I could thumbtack to the “Completed” bulletin board in my life. It’s exhausting, and, yes, necessary. Without pain, how would you know if you’re well? Of course, we easily master that kind of pain. But what about this sorrow that feels soulful in the way it seeps through every orifice of my body. No, no. Don’t worry. Luckily, it’s not contagious; however, I will say that it seems that everyone has a little of it in them. A germ that we can’t eradicate. Where’s pest control when you really need them?

Tonight, I am writing this under a gray velvet drape that is the sky. The sun is setting beyond the city, and stretching from the city’s dark shadows are beating red hearts: warnings, once upon a time; lighthouses to distinguish land from sky. For at night, when the sun crashes on the other side of the shadows, all will be black. Black land, black sea, black sky.

I came out here to feel alone. Alone. It’s something that’s far too comforting for someone who longs to not be someday. But alone I know well, and he has become an enlightening companion. He shows me so many things. The beauty of the railroad’s clickety-clack echoes in the silent night. The softness of the breezes’ trace. The warmth of the crisp, blue, snowrays flurrying from the moon’s outstretched arms. The masterpiece of clouds just beyond, unique illustrations on a matte washed blue, resting on the painter’s easel.

Alone provides me this magical experience. And it is just that. Magical. It is rare that I am with someone else and notice such things. However, perhaps, someday, alone will enjoy company. Of that, I remain hopeful.

BEGINNINGS : life lovin but

Sent: 8/26/2001 9:19 PM

Is it the perfectionist quality in me that, while loving life and everything in it, while being satisfied with my job, while being continually excited by my friends and family, I still feel like there is something missing? And if I were to sit down and think about what this thing that was missing was, I should probably determine that it is love. Okay, I'm sappy. But really, don't you ever think, wow, what would it be like to find the love of my life? Really. Honestly.

Can you feel it. . . That person that makes you laugh and instinctly yearn for just by watching him walk through the room. That one that can look so deeply into your eyes, you lose your breath. And it's believable. Whoa...

My, my. I'm sorry. I was getting lost in thought with that. Where was I? Oh, yes. I was saying that I thought a "Love" is missing from my life right now. Well, let me say, it's is pretty damn good without "Love"; however, I wouldn't mind it if it happened upon me.

BEGINNINGS : My heartburn

Sent: 8/9/2001 12:10 AM

You know those commercials where you see this old man sitting in his recliner, fist on his bathrobed chest, a kind of mournful look on his face, his eyes barely open, his cheeks tensed in their downward pull? He tries to break away from the pain and looks over at his wife. She stops knitting the little pink and purple pullover she is making for their granddaughter's first winter and says, "Oh Honey! Heartburn?"

He groans some mumbled version of "Yes," and she rises and goes to the medicine cabinet to get his Maalox. Suddenly, the commercial switches to a computer generated profile of an anonymous man. John Doe with heartburn. That's when you begin learning about all the coating action this little bottle of liquid will have over your throat, esophagus, and stomach. To be honest, I always thought it looked like a Drano commercial. I guess since I hadn't experienced this horrid pain this man was feeling, I didn't relate. Or rather related it to a liquid plumbing commercial.

Well, my friends and family, that day is over. I can now look at that man in the commercial and say, yes, I know exactly what's going on right there: You're in some mighty big pain. You're really hurting, aren't you? But wait, this liquid that kind and giving lady is getting out of the cabinet......why.....what's that? Oh crap. Now look at that. That could be me with the red flaming death erupting from my stomach. But wait, this liquid - it is "help", the bottle is sending help. And you know, that looks like it will stop this acid. That looks like an army marching towards the stomach, armed and ready to take on any pesky acid who might try to stop him. Do you hear the soldiers chanting as they march? "Get rid of this burn, now this I say. (Get rid of this burn, now this I say.) This acid will fall, we'll save the day! (This acid will fall, we'll save the day!) Soundoff: One two, (one two), three four, (three four), Let's go, (let's go), This is WAR, (this is WAR!!)."

I MUST HAVE THAT!!!! Where is my wallet? Genovese is open 24 hours.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I have reached that age where one begins to feel heartburn. Sure, some people that are young have heartburn, but stop and think about it for a second, huh? When thinking of the majority of heartburn sufferers, don't you assume most of them are middle aged to older men and women? I mean, the commercials so obviously target them.

So................well, in a way, I'm really HAPPY. Surprised?? I know. It's bizarre. But, I'm happy because I feel like I just graduated another "age" in life. Another AGE. I must be moving towards the Middle Ages. Wow! Another age has come and gone in "Chad Gurley's Life".

To those of you who still have not experienced this "heartburn", good luck with it. ;-) Don't worry. Don't stress about it saying, "OH GOD, I'M GETTING SO OLD!!!" No, no, no. Don't feel that way at all! Just look in the mirror, (look), and before gulping down a bottle of Mylanta, say, "Another age in 's life. Congratulations on this graduation day!" :-)

To those of you who HAVE experienced heartburn, well, let's just humor them, won't you please?

BEGINNINGS : Ms. Otis Regrets

Sent: 8/7/2001 10:43 PM

Ready thrill seekers? Just wait until you hop on-board the rollercoaster that was my night. I got stood up.

Oh. Yes. Well, I guess that doesn't sound much like a rollercoaster; however, if you were on the ride Emotions (wow, they really should name a Six Flags Rollercoaster that - what's with the "Screaming this" or the "Wild that" - just call it EMOTIONS: The ride of a lifetime; I can see the crowd gathered at that line now), anyway, you would have experienced the night much differently than just "stood up".

After realizing he wasn't coming, waiting for him at a little bar called Saints very near Columbia, I looked up at the bartender, Jeremy, and said, "I've been stood up." I was surprised that he looked so surprised. "You've been stood up?"

The room was faded with damp red. I looked towards the door, wow, it was getting dusk so early now. It must mean fall is on the way. Time is flying. "Yep, looks that way." He brought me a free drink. "You know what? It may sound cliche, but I have to say that it's HE'S loss!" Charming. Too bad it was said with just a tiny hint too much cheese. I tasted it. Gross. And no, naive or lack-of-confidence, he wasn't talking about getting a monetary gift from me.

I laughed it off and began to strum through the Daily News. By the way, side note: Did you know that there was a shark attack at one of the Long Island Beaches, that Bill Clinton is going to make out on this whole presidency thing-a-ma-jig with a lot of disposable income, that a drunk driver, (who happened to be NYPD), ran into and killed a pregnant women and her to-be-born infant; then let out on the "honor system" with NO BAIL? Wow, lots of stuff going on here in NYC. Who knew?

I looked up to see Dan peeling a lemon with a knife. He grinned. "Wanna play me in pool; loser has to strip?" Was this guy serious? "I'm a bad pool player," I said sipping an Original Sin Cider. "Me too," he said shrugging his shoulders. Yep, he was definitely NOT going to be good at pool. Suddenly confident in my quite ameteurish pool playing abilities, I said okay.

Cutting to the chase, he lost. I was happy. . . . I was disappointed. Since he lost, JEREMY was going to have to STRIP. Ugh. He pulled up his shirt to expose his actually very, very nice stomach and was then fortunately interupted. An older black woman walked into the bar. Jeremy smiled and then started walking towards the bar. "We'll finish this later." With his wink, my mind screamed OH REALLY? Now that was hilarious.

"Bye, Jeremy." : Was I could say as I left the bar.

Ahhhh, my life. What a bed of roses.

And to you that are out there saying, Well, Chad, it's not so bad, you're right. It's not. It's all very good, actually. I'm just letting you know how I'm feeling about the day. That's all. Listen, don't take it so personally. :-)

* * *

POP QUIZ #1 : Sarah Vaughn seems to have felt the songs she sings more than Ella Fitzgerald. Take a listen and let me know what YOU think...

BEGINNINGS : The Genius in You

Sent: 8/5/2001 10:56 PM

Clarity is seeing the mud that keeps the water from being clear.

And that's been happening to me lately. Things have gotten quite clear. The unfortunate part of that is that I find myself disenchanted with the clarity that I've been seeking for so long. Rather, I find myself trying to fall back into that cloudy haze from which I've very recently emerged. Why? Because when you've been seeing life without glasses all your life, your eyes adjust to it and make sense of it the only way they can. Now that I've found the glasses, well, I'm just needing a little time to adjust.

BEGINNINGS : Hardik

Sent: 8/3/2001 8:37 PM

Two years ago I was working at TBWA Worldwide, the global advertising agency. One of the wonderful things about working there was the opportunity to communicate with people all over the world at the different TBWAs. And you know me, I did. I met some really wonderful people. The two that are outstanding are Cat and Hardik. Great, great people. Added bonuses to my life.

(Side thought: Palm Pilots should have mirrors on the other side of the plastic. Vain.)

Anyway, today I received an e-mail from Hardik that said something like: have a nice weekend, what's going on with you, haven't heard from you in a while. When I read it, I wondered if I had written about my job at Columbia starting? I wasn't sure. As I started to type this to Hardik, I suddenly stopped and thought, "Who is this person I'm writing to?" Don't get me wrong, I know who I'm writing to, but how well do I know who I'm writing to? Not very well. And it made me ... sad.

So I started a new message stating this and then asked a lot of questions to catch me up. Hopefully I'll get a response. It makes me happy to think that I might get to make friends twice with one person but on different levels. Unique.

BEGINNINGS : Hate

Sent: 8/2/2001 11:47 AM

Why is there so much of it in the world? Where does it come from? Fear? Self-righteousness? Self-loathing? Well, whereever it orginates, it is growing tiresome. If you're going to hate me, then that's completely fine with me. Just do me one little favor. Please don't encourage those around you to do the same. Let them make their own judgements. After all, I am another human being with a mind, body and spirit.