Sent: 8/9/2001 12:10 AM
You know those commercials where you see this old man sitting in his recliner, fist on his bathrobed chest, a kind of mournful look on his face, his eyes barely open, his cheeks tensed in their downward pull? He tries to break away from the pain and looks over at his wife. She stops knitting the little pink and purple pullover she is making for their granddaughter's first winter and says, "Oh Honey! Heartburn?"
He groans some mumbled version of "Yes," and she rises and goes to the medicine cabinet to get his Maalox. Suddenly, the commercial switches to a computer generated profile of an anonymous man. John Doe with heartburn. That's when you begin learning about all the coating action this little bottle of liquid will have over your throat, esophagus, and stomach. To be honest, I always thought it looked like a Drano commercial. I guess since I hadn't experienced this horrid pain this man was feeling, I didn't relate. Or rather related it to a liquid plumbing commercial.
Well, my friends and family, that day is over. I can now look at that man in the commercial and say, yes, I know exactly what's going on right there: You're in some mighty big pain. You're really hurting, aren't you? But wait, this liquid that kind and giving lady is getting out of the cabinet......why.....what's that? Oh crap. Now look at that. That could be me with the red flaming death erupting from my stomach. But wait, this liquid - it is "help", the bottle is sending help. And you know, that looks like it will stop this acid. That looks like an army marching towards the stomach, armed and ready to take on any pesky acid who might try to stop him. Do you hear the soldiers chanting as they march? "Get rid of this burn, now this I say. (Get rid of this burn, now this I say.) This acid will fall, we'll save the day! (This acid will fall, we'll save the day!) Soundoff: One two, (one two), three four, (three four), Let's go, (let's go), This is WAR, (this is WAR!!)."
I MUST HAVE THAT!!!! Where is my wallet? Genovese is open 24 hours.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I have reached that age where one begins to feel heartburn. Sure, some people that are young have heartburn, but stop and think about it for a second, huh? When thinking of the majority of heartburn sufferers, don't you assume most of them are middle aged to older men and women? I mean, the commercials so obviously target them.
So................well, in a way, I'm really HAPPY. Surprised?? I know. It's bizarre. But, I'm happy because I feel like I just graduated another "age" in life. Another AGE. I must be moving towards the Middle Ages. Wow! Another age has come and gone in "Chad Gurley's Life".
To those of you who still have not experienced this "heartburn", good luck with it. ;-) Don't worry. Don't stress about it saying, "OH GOD, I'M GETTING SO OLD!!!" No, no, no. Don't feel that way at all! Just look in the mirror, (look), and before gulping down a bottle of Mylanta, say, "Another age in
To those of you who HAVE experienced heartburn, well, let's just humor them, won't you please?
