Sent: 5/25/2004 1:07 PM
I have been waking in anxiety from a reoccurring dream as of late. I open my eyes, my breath short, my eyes filled with tears, and it takes a few moments before I realize that it was just a dream. Although the situations of the dreams differ in some respects, the overall theme of the dream seems to remain consistent. I am in school. Some of the dreams are of high school, not my specific high school, but the feeling that I am in high school all over again in a different place, a different circumstance. Then, some of the dreams are of college, sometimes Harding University where I attended, sometimes a different university altogether. For various reasons within the dreams, I miss classes and miss exams. I'm either running here or there or attending to something I feel is more important. Nevertheless, even in all my scurry, there is a knowing that I am absent from those things needed for me to succeed, for me to graduate. However, still I miss, and while doing so, I find myself filled with grieving worry and tortuous anxiety that I am to fail.
Lately, I've started wondering if this has something to do with my life. I wonder if I am missing important things, lacking important motivation, neglecting important aspirations, and, in turn, am surely to fail in this life. I pray and pray for clarity, for God to offer me some guidance on what it is I am lacking, what it is I should be seeking, what it is that I am called to do. And while I think I might understand His subtle direction, I have no idea how to get there which causes me to wonder if it is His will at all? Where is the class being held? Where is the test I should take? I cry out for His help, but I hear only the echo of my own voice across the canyon. I wonder if God is tired of answering me, is close to giving up on me, as perhaps I haven't been really listening, or if I have, haven't taken the initiative to do His will for my life. That's all I've ever prayed: Whatever You want for me God, is what I want for me. But what does He want? Do I know? And if I do, how do I move forward towards it? I am perplexed, scared, and filled with anxiety. Time is passing me by and as my wheels are not turning, I look out the window thinking that I am moving backwards.
Oh dear Lord, help me!
