CHAPTER 2 : & Happy New Year

Sent: 12/28/2001 4:26 PM

I've been sitting here for the past hour or two trying to figure out what kind of "Happy New Year" picture I wanted to put on the front page of the site - not that it's a huge deal, mind you; however, I just wanted something fun and encouraging for everyone to see when embarking on 2002.

But the thing that keeps ringing in my ear and resounding in my heart is my greatest wish for ALL time - today, tomorrow, 2002 and beyond: I wish we would LOVE EACH OTHER damnit!!

Hard resolution for the new year? I hope not.

CHAPTER 2 : Merry Christmas!

Sent: 12/26/2001 1:49 PM

The day after Christmas. I'm a little late. I'm sorry. To be honest, I spent my entire Christmas day under my down comforter, fighting off chills, runny nose, body aches and cough with various teas, cold remedies, sleep, and intense prayer. The whole day, rousing from various slumbers, I would think, But I have so much to do. I can't be sick. I want to go to St. Patricks today and see the ice-skaters at Rockefeller Center. I want to call all my friends and wish them good tidings of great joy. Nevertheless, the only energy I could muster was spent putting the kettle back on the stove for another round of teas with honey.

There were times during the day that I wanted to cry in sheer misery of being sick on such a beautiful, special day. It was Christmas, and I was bed-ridden. What could be more awful? Nothing turned out like I had planned. But then, nothing ever really does. That's why faith is so important. And the realization came over me, as cliche as it may sound, Christmas shouldn't be just one day a year. Christmas day should be every single day of my life. The feeling of happiness, joy, love, peace, forgiveness, mercy, should burn daily in my heart, never ceasing.

So, although I physically may have missed the day marked on the calendar as Christmas Day due to the bacteria/virus reeking havoc on my body, my Soul vows to celebrate Christmas every day, for it has never been good at earthly measures of time.

xoxo

all my love always

CHAPTER 2 : to TIRED to remember

Sent: 12/16/2001 2:00 AM

From having to move out of my apartment by January 1st, to relaxing in the cradle of my friend's arms, my day is complete. Everything is okay, thanks to Leon and my own self-respect. I will not be homeless, unless it is God's will for me to be.

Must go to bed. Christmass Party tonight has me wiped out. Lots of fun. Lots of good wine, fantastic cheese and amazing people. Victoria's is a ball.

CHAPTER 2 : weathering the storm

Sent: 12/14/2001 8:52 PM

I moaned, slept, cried on my pillow, feeling so lost and alone. I knew God was there with me; however, there was no human connection to say, Chad, you're doing good, hang in there. I was bordering on ill. I would silent by the phone, blind at my e-mail. Where was my support? Why wasn't anyone checking on me? Didn't anyone care how I was doing? Didn't anyone realize that I was hurting?

However, arrogantly, I nevered cried out for help. In pride, I never let anyone know the pain I was feeling. I NEVER asked for support.

'Seek and ye shall find.'

Yet, I had not sought your help. Was I depending on God to flash a message before each of your eyes to say, go to Chad, he needs your support? Why? Am I so vain that I cannot admit when I am hurting to my friends and family? Am I so proud that I cannot humble myself to you and say, not everything is okay, not everything is hunkey-dory?

This past week has been one of suffering for me. I have felt bad not only physically and mentally, but also spiritually, as I have been weathering dark storms of my own.

Through the cold rain and black thunderclouds, you were there for me, but you did not see me, for I did not call to you. I sat in the rain, silent, alone while you were mere inches from me with an umbrella. Damn prideful silence. Oh, the lesson I have learned.

When I need help, I will cry out to you. And you should feel free to do the same, anytime at all.

CHAPTER 2 : jumbled thoughts

Sent: 12/13/2001 10:53 PM

my hare stands at wit's end

i's bearly resting

eye feel something is clothes

bustle of dried rose petals in the breathes

There is a part of me that would love to be a poet; however, the above attempt shows otherwise. haha. Maybe someday, when I'm less preoccupied by more wordy explanations of things. When I can trust my imagery.

Still under the weather, I remain. I suppose I should say that the weather has been quite over me, for it feels more like an attack rather than a meandering storm. Nevertheless, I shall kick out of this little rough spot. It is, therefore, only a rough SPOT. Spots are never the entire surface. On to the surface, Sir Gurley, on.

I have been in great distress over these application essays. I tell you, it is no easy feat organizing your thoughts and ideas about your life. Well, it's hard for me anyway. There is a part of me that has so much to say, but I don't want my application to be a novella. Ugh. And then when I break it down, it loses a little meaning from each story I could cut.

Not that I've written anything, mind you. No, these are just plaguing thoughts that I can't seem to shake. My dad gave me some really good advice tonight, which I will take. Just start writing something, a little bit a day, set aside some time for essay writing. A very good idea. =)

I'm listening to one of my favorite piano suites. I have absolutely no idea who it is, what song it is or anything? Isn't that sad? I really need to know what I like. Anyway, it's on one of my college Music Appreciation class CD's, and it's simply tremendous.

What else to tell you? I'm at a loss for words. And your attention span is short, as is mine, so I'll just close, and not prolong this on both ends. hahahahahah! Have a wonderful day! And smile!

CHAPTER 2 : Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

Sent: 12/10/2001 9:48 PM

Tis the reason, Leon and I went out to buy a Christmas tree. We found a little tree seller a good walk away, near Neptune diner. There is where we found him. Our very 'cute' medium build green Christmas tree. He was light, so we decided to pop into Genovese and let him get a feel for what kind of tree he might want to be.

The first thing WE wanted him to be was standing, so we looked all over for a tree stand, to no avail. Nevertheless, we decided, we would make do. We continued shopping. We scampered up and down the ilses flowering them with pine needles. Saddly, our tree could find nothing he wanted to wear. Well, he did find a topper and lights, but no clothes. Nevertheless, we decided, we would make do.

I look over at our Christmas tree now and admit that I'm in love with him. He stands there, in a stand Leon found today, so proud; just beaming.

Topped with a lit shining colored star, our Christmas tree models various Leon/Chad creations: Snowflake paper stars, some multicolored; angels made of scrape fabric tied together with cake-box string; cut-outs of illustrations (one, big ole' blue lips) we had drawn sometime back; misc. nick-nacks we have around the house that we could tie strings around in order to hang; etc. Colored lights. And neckties, tied together, as garland surrounding it.

Yes, it is a little make-shift. I think it's perfect. =)

love

CHAPTER 2 : L&C's Brunch

Sent: 12/9/2001 5:24 PM

Leon and Ceddy, that is. They miraculously performed an entire spur-of-the-moment brunch for friends. I think there were about 9 or 10 people, squeezed into Ceddy's cozy apartment. Mimosas in one hand, banana bread in the other. It was so warm on this cloudy, frosty day.

The funny thing was listening to Leon and Ceddy talk afterwards about how worried they were at times during cooking, and, alas, the worry was for nothing. Everything tasted divine, warm, perfect. (Even after Leon's translation of the French cookbook they were using.)

Another nice day. Another blessing. Thank you.

Ooops. I almost forgot. The menu:

Coffee

Mimosas

Banana Bread - just from the oven, with pecans, cranberries, and raisins.

Salad of fresh vegetables with a vinagrette

Crepes - with cheese, with chocolate, with egg...

Salad of blueberries, blue cheese, and blues

Spinach Quiche

Blueberries

Champaigne

C'est BONNE!

CHAPTER 2 : Beeyouteafull

Sent: 12/8/2001 8:29 PM

What a great Saturday, even with all the rain and cold weather. Adam and I volunteered at Park Avenue Church kitchen, which was a good time. Met some really cool people - on both sides of the table. An older homeless(?) woman told me that there was something deep in my eyes. She was beautiful.

After clean ups and goodbyes and an amazing over coffee conversation with Adam (thank you), I just walked in the rain, tasted the drops on my tongue, also dying to go to the bathroom, and finally went to the Met. It was lovely. The lights were low. The building was old. Music was playing up above on the balcony in the lobby. The piano, violin, and bass sounds bounced around the great room. It was beautiful.

In the Medieval Art Exhibit there is the naivity (sp?) scene of emotion filled figures. Beyond it there is a Christmas tree filled with angels flying and playing their instruments. And above them, at the top of the dark tree, is a huge bright star almost glowing. Intense. It was beautiful.

I was fascinated by the artwork that involved Christ. The different interpretations of His face from culture to culture, from age to age. And, yet, He was in each and every one of them just the same. It was beautiful.

Needing a drink to relax the intensity of it all, I went to the little balcony cafe that overlooks the lobby. People were sitting, drinking, conversing. I picked a table next to the edge of the balcony and ordered a champagne. Hell, I thought, it's Saturday night, you're here, you have no other plans, enjoy yourself. And I did. It was beautiful.

Thank you God for my little blessings.

CHAPTER 2 : For the Computer:

Sent: 12/7/2001 1:09 PM

I'm writing this from my bedroom, perched over my pillow. Nope, I'm not on a laptop either. This is the real deal, words from my heart through pen and paper.

My eyes have soften these past few days with word of war involving Israel and Palestine. My eyes have fought back tears for all the souls that are dying needlessly at the hands of other souls, whatever their cause. What is everyone dying for???

Some say for God. But what god are they really dying for? The god of money? The god of power? The god of glory? The god of nationalism? The god of self? I tell you the truth, these are not the gods I worship.

The God I worship wants us all to LIVE. The proof of that is in His sacrificing His only son to provide us life. What LOVE! What an amazing promise to humanity! If God believes in humanity, then why shouldn't we? You see, God has awakened my soul, and I'm overcome with love for every person walking this earth no matter who they are, what they worship, what they do. It's a beautiful gift I've been given. I'm so grateful.

"Silence your distractions and listen to your heart. It is there that you find Love. It is there that you hear God."

CHAPTER 2 : US kills its own

Sent: 12/5/2001 12:47 PM

I just read this in the news:

"Two U.S. soldiers were killed and 20 others wounded Wednesday when a U.S. B-52 bomber missed its target."

Can someone tell me what the hell we're doing? Am I the only one that thinks all of this is completely ridiculous??

Love not war. Sounds cliche, but it's true.

CHAPTER 2 : there are times that suck

Sent: 12/2/2001 8:03 PM

I've picked up my old journals lately and have been reading them. It gives me an opportunity to remember the bads times and what I learned from them so as to not return there. I thought I'd share some of it with you. =) giggle

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Somewhere, long ago and far away . . .

"I seem to be getting some kind of cold - my eye is swollen and hurts and congestion..............I don't know what else to write.................Since Randy didn't have any work for me, there was no reason to go into the city, so I practically spent the entire day in the apartment wanting to cry. Some for relief of the swelling and some because I'm so sad. My life seems so out of sorts and I'm not sure when I'll be able to put it back together again.........................When Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall all the kings or horses and men could not put him back together again.........................I'm not sure what else to write; I know I can fill these pages with anything and everything, but, for a while now, I've only felt rather simple - in a bad way, that is.......................What has happened? What is happening? And when will we get it figured out? WE? Why do I say we when it is only me.....................Me alone the lightening strikes in an open filed of dirt, root and toppled soil...........................God, I only ask for wisdom, strength and love.....................................The serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.........................Love thyself."

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Thank God for answered prayers. =)