CHAPTER 2 : weathering the storm

Sent: 12/14/2001 8:52 PM

I moaned, slept, cried on my pillow, feeling so lost and alone. I knew God was there with me; however, there was no human connection to say, Chad, you're doing good, hang in there. I was bordering on ill. I would silent by the phone, blind at my e-mail. Where was my support? Why wasn't anyone checking on me? Didn't anyone care how I was doing? Didn't anyone realize that I was hurting?

However, arrogantly, I nevered cried out for help. In pride, I never let anyone know the pain I was feeling. I NEVER asked for support.

'Seek and ye shall find.'

Yet, I had not sought your help. Was I depending on God to flash a message before each of your eyes to say, go to Chad, he needs your support? Why? Am I so vain that I cannot admit when I am hurting to my friends and family? Am I so proud that I cannot humble myself to you and say, not everything is okay, not everything is hunkey-dory?

This past week has been one of suffering for me. I have felt bad not only physically and mentally, but also spiritually, as I have been weathering dark storms of my own.

Through the cold rain and black thunderclouds, you were there for me, but you did not see me, for I did not call to you. I sat in the rain, silent, alone while you were mere inches from me with an umbrella. Damn prideful silence. Oh, the lesson I have learned.

When I need help, I will cry out to you. And you should feel free to do the same, anytime at all.