Monday, January 28, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : all or nothing at all

Sent: 1/28/2002 8:18 PM

You know, I find it bordering on depressing that the reason Thursday will be my favorite day this week is because I get paid. I really hate money. It is the source of all that's ugly in my life. Tonight, my meal, a 50 cent Macaroni and Cheese dinner.

Remind me on Friday NOT to go out and have a big juicy medium rare steak with twice-baked potatoes and buttered green beans with a large frosty coke, for that is my predicament currently. All or nothing. Craziness.

And with that, my friends, I wish you a good night. I'm going to check my e-mail and then wander towards the roof to take a look at the bright sandy moon. Did you see it last night? Beautifully Full.



Wednesday, January 23, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : For the Birds

Sent: 1/23/2002 5:16 PM

Ever stop to watch birds fly from tree to tree. They have more freedom than humans as we are bound to our own enslavements.

Break free!



Monday, January 21, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : Snownow

Sent: 1/21/2002 6:14 PM

Nezerly and I walked over the park yesterday, hot cocoa and coffee in hand. We arrived to see a white Central Park, and, as if an artist brushed strokes of color on a blank matte, splatters of people playing here and there and everywhere.

Laughter filled the air.

Babies discovered snow for the first time. Their little hands reaching out to this white stuff that had somehow appeared all over the place. Wow! Freezing sensations run through them. They gurgle a smile. Snow is cold.

Two little boys followed their parents out of the park, each with a snowball in hand. "Are you saving those?" I asked. His mom answered that the snowballs were going in Ziploc bags and into the freezer for safe-keeping. For them, the miracle of snow was hard to let go. They may not keep the snow, but they'll always have the memory.

It felt like I was walking in the song, "Winter Wonderland". The bare trees were now fruitful in their white branches. The ground was a multi-dimensional mono-chrome. The sun played with the ice, casting reflections of color onto the white. It was beautiful. It was its own.

A mother and young daughter were cautiously climbing into an inner-tube at the top of a hill. We stopped to watch them giggle and laugh at the mere anticipation of the fall. Settled in their seats, they yelled, "READY!", and a young grandmother came up behind them and gave them a good push. With screams of excitement, they raced along the snow towards the valley. The grandmother looked on laughing in joy. When the inner-tube stopped, bright smiles exited, the mother pleading, "Do you want to do it again?"

Lots of snowmen lined the park. I wish we had had a camera to take pictures of them all. Each its own work of art. A father and daughter of three or four had built two, toddler-sized snow-well, I guess I should say snow-PEOPLE. The father gave the snowlady beautiful locks of pine needles as he called his daughter over to take a look. She didn't seem too impressed with his styling, but she thought it would be okay. We laughed and laughed.

It was a wonderful time, more wonderful because I got to share it with Nezerly. =)

Friday, January 18, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : Trust Issues

Sent: 1/18/2002 11:41 PM

It's really starting to annoy me that no one trusts anyone, ever. I know, everyone's been hurt. Everyone's guarding themselves, keeping everyone else at bay. Don't come too close. I don't want to be hurt ever again, ever. It's no wonder our world is so cold. Everyone keeps their fires hidden, fearful that buring them brightly may lead to their smoke.

Hidden or buring brightly, smoke they will become.

It's really starting to annoy me that no one trusts me! It baffles me. Why would someone not trust me? Stop laughing, you guys, I'm being serious! Don't you think I'm pretty trustworthy?

I think I am.

The Trust Issuer. You know the ones, the people that talk of me having to EARN their trust. Rubbish. Their trust is not to be earned, nor is there is a price-tag on my trustworthiness.

And what is this, "It takes a long time for someone to earn my trust"? Long time? Do you have a "long time" to wait?

Well I don't. I'm living.

Trust me immediately, and I'll do the same.

Happy world.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : I know

Sent: 1/16/2002 11:38 PM

I know. I do know.

I know what alone feels like. I feel alone a lot. In fact, as I type this, I feel so very alone. Like no one understands me. Like no one "gets" me. Like I wonder if anyone ever will. I sit and talk with people; I see them not listening, I hear them not understanding. Like I wonder if anyone will. Someday, but in this lifetime?

Ah, but it's the feeling of alone that I feel now that makes me so sad. It is this feeling of alone now that pushes all hope aside for the moment. How troublesome to think that I might be destined for this life alone! Of course, if that is what must be, then so be it. Nevertheless, alas, it makes me so sad just the same.

For oh how wonderful the feeling must be to wrap someone in your arms and hold and know! Oh how wonderful this feeling must be to want to share every single part of your body and soul with another! Oh how wonderful! Oh how I long for it!!!

Hmmmmm. There is a foul taste to that longing. That longing seems to have taken higher priority than it should. Perhaps it is this longing that keeps this wonderful feeling at arms length from me. Yes, the very thing that I want may be kept from me to teach me a life lesson.

But, yuck. I'm tired of lessons! Haven't I learned enough?

Not nearly enough.

Monday, January 14, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : Rumblings with Verzion

Sent: 1/14/2002 11:20 AM

---------------------------------------------

January 11, 2002


Mr. Charles R. Lee
Chairman and Co-Chief Executive Officer
Verizon Communications
1095 Avenue of the Americas
36th Floor
New York, NY 10036

RE: Local Service Installation

Dear Mr. Lee:

Verizon has hurt my feelings, for it has been demonstrated that you do not value my time. On December 28, 2001, I made an agreement with you to wait at my apartment for four (4) hours on Wednesday, January 9, 2002 for a technician to install my telephone service. I made this agreement without grievances, for I was attempting to be understanding of Verizon’s current state of affairs and business procedures. I willingly gave Verizon four hours of my time so as to have a telephone line installed in my apartment. In despair, I write you on January 11, 2002, still without telephone service.

Graciously, I have a boss who is sympathetic and allowed me to take off a half day of work on that Wednesday to wait for Verizon to install my telephone service. For five hours, from 12:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m., I patiently waited at my apartment, fulfilling more than my obligation. However, Verizon never came. No technician ever buzzed my apartment or knocked on my door. And it is because of Verizon’s neglect, four hours of my life lay wasted.

It is not my intention for you to feel lectured on the value of time, for I imagine as a corporation, time is of utmost importance to you as well. Every second that a technician is behind the wheel of a Verizon vehicle, you are paying him/her what you believe his/her seconds to be worth, as according to his/her skill set in accomplishing tasks for you. Yes, you understand the monetary value of time; however, it is for this reason that I am hurt and disappointed in your complete disregard in the value of MY time. To what monetary value does Verizon assign my time? What is one second of my life worth to you? One hour? Four hours? How about a year?

The time in every life is priceless. The time during a human’s life is immeasurable in its value. Isn’t that something you recognized after September 11th? I did.

Therefore, I must ask you, do you realize that your customers are rearranging their lives in order to help you accomplish what you say you will provide them? Do you understand that we are much more than mere digits and addresses? Do you attempt to sympathize with your customers on how your corporation is affecting each and every one of us daily? You have demonstrated that you do not value your customer’s time. Do you value your customers’ lives?

Respectfully I urge you, stop sleeping, wake up, and notice your affect.

Sincerely,


Chad Gurley
Verizon Customer

Thursday, January 10, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : The Worth of Time

Sent 1/10/2002 12:00 PM

On December 28th, I made an appointment with Verizon (our telephone company) to connect our telephone in our new apartment. I was certainly disturbed by the fact that the appointment would have to take place within a 4 (four) hour time-frame in which I would have to wait at my apartment for their service-persons to arrive. Nevertheless, trying to be understanding of Verizon's vast service-orders, I agreed to wait at my apartment on January 9th from 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. for someone to come and connect our phone.

Graciously, my boss allowed me to leave work at 12:30 p.m. to go home and wait for Verizon to arrive. There I sat and waited. 1:00 p.m. no Verizon. 2:00 p.m. no Verizon. 3:00 p.m. no Verizon. 4:00 p.m. no Verizon. 5:00 p.m. no Verizon. 5:30 p.m. no Verizon. Yes, Verizon never showed. 4 hours of my life I allowed Verizon to have in order to receive a phone line, only to have Verizon's neglect say that my time is not valuable to them. Why should it be? I'm only a number to them. Does Verizon regard me as a human being? Does Verizon realize that I'm a person rescheduling his life for them? Obviously not.

Today when I called Verizon to express my disappointment and anger at their negligence, the very nice operator told me that he would reschedule my appointment for Friday (between 8:00am & 5:00pm), that the service-person would try to get in via my super, and that he would waive the $55.00 installation fee. I hung up feeling much better.

But then it hit me! Through this transaction, Verizon is stating that 4 hours of Chad Gurley's life is worth approximately $55.00. Wow! It made me stop to think, just what is my time worth??? What is one second of my life worth? What is one year of my life worth? My heart screams that my time is worth much more than $55.00! My soul says that my time is priceless, that there could never be an earthly measure of what my time is worth! However, the society in which we live puts a monetary value on each human being's time, ALL the time. This is wrong! This is injustice!

We must change the world my friends. If you think you are free, you are wrong. We are all slaves to this "reality" in which we naively believe. It's time we STOP being "realistic", and start freeing our souls from this captivity. The time in your life is precious. It comes only once, and then is gone. Every second that ticks by is a real one that you'll never be able to retrieve again. Let it be known, your time is valuable. Let it be known that your LIFE is valuable, as is every life on the planet.

Tuesday, January 8, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : Me & Relationships

Sent: 1/8/2002 12:58 PM

"..........I want to know your opinion about relationships.....from reading your journal , I know that you are not dating anyone right now.....I just think that relationships are so hard...they are almost impossible. I just dont know anyone that has been in a relationship for some time and is very happy. I think the challenge is to understand each other and of course respect each other but that is so hard. What do u think? I have been single for 2 years and it is not because I am trying to prove something but I just refuse to lower my standards. What can I say...I know what I want. I feel that I am special enought to be 100% happy........"

* * * * *

Golly, relationships. That's such a hard one for me too. I don't even know where to begin. In fact, just this weekend, I was lying in my bed looking out the window, watching the stars, wondering what it would feel like to have someone next to me as I did that. I can't help but think that would be an amazing experience. But, alas, it isn't happening right now.

I'm one of those hopeless romantics that believes that there is someone out there who will just "get me", you know? Someone where it isn't a lot of work, where it's like peanut-butter and jelly. Someone that's definitely different than me, but compliments me just perfectly. I want a relationship in which conflicts may arise, but, together, we always manage to find the happy solution. I want my soul-mate. I want that person that pushes me higher than I ever thought I could fly.

Are my expectations too high? Most people would say yes, that I'm being unrealistic. (But what is realism anyway?) Everyone is quick to criticize me and say that I am being selfish waiting around for this "right" one. But, I say, if it happens, if I ever meet him, then I'll be the benefactor of my patience, and it will be so worth it! (Not to mention the benefits I will bestow on HIM! I'm not that selfish.) =)

I look around at my friends. These are also people that "get me". In a different way, of course, than a lover. Nevertheless, these people are beautiful additions to my life. Sure, we have our ups and downs, but there is the core fiber of love and connection that withstands the battles. They aren't "work".

Ahhhh - but this patience thing is so DIFFICULT! Ugh. I hate waiting. At 28, I'm feeling so very tired of not having someone. It becomes so depressing, especially when my roommate is dating someone, and they are lost in puppy-love embraces. Oh, how sad it makes me to think that I have no one that I can do that with. I have no one to hold, no one to kiss, no one to shower with emotion. Don't get me wrong, there have been great romances thus far, very intense and beautiful romances but short-lived and awkward. I would like feel like I'm ready for the intense romance that is fluid and last a life-time, but only God knows if that's the case. Maybe it's just not time. Maybe I still have some stuff to learn in life before I find it. Maybe I need to continue learning how to love myself - which is a brand new thing for me. But that's another story for another time.

Whatever the case, I just try to keep hope that he's out there somewhere. He's doing something right now. Maybe he's drinking a cup of coffee and chatting with his co-workers. Maybe he's tossing pizzas for lunch. Maybe he's teaching 2nd graders. Who knows? But someday our paths will cross, and we'll look at each other and hardly remember life without one another. Hope.

I hope this kind of gives you an idea of me and relationships and why I'm not dating anyone right now. It's not that I don't want to. I just haven't met him yet.

Monday, January 7, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : Moving Day is Done

Sent: 1/7/2002 4:04 PM

A huge thanks goes out to the following for helping us move:

Mikey
David
Jose
Ceddy

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You have no idea how much that meant to both Leon and me. Without you, it never would have happened, so MUCHOS GRACIAS!

Yes, friends and family, we are moved into our new apartment, and by the grace of God, TRULY, every single piece of our furniture was small enough to fit into the elevator at our new building, so nothing had to be lugged up seven (count 'em : 7) flights of stairs! Yeah rah!

Now what Leon and I want to know is, what the heck is in all these boxes cluttering the new place? We'll soon see.

Thursday, January 3, 2002

CHAPTER 2 : The Masquerade

Sent: 1/3/2002 2:07 PM

Kermit the Frog used to sing, "It's not easy being green." Oh how I loved that song. Not because I was particularly green, but more because I understood the feeling. Sometimes, it's not easy being me. Sometimes I find it pretty rough. Of course, it's not easy for any of us to be ourselves. We've become so accustomed to the masks that we wear in this masquerade called life, that we forget who we really are or, if we do know, how to be that with everyone we encounter. The masks are much easier. Nevertheless, I've been trying not to wear one at all lately.

Trying to be maskless and comfortable in my greeness, I went out into the masquerade last night and got swindled for $10.00, my own fault for being blinded by the message and forgetting to recognize its source. Funny how that happens. Lesson learned, hopefully. Nevertheless, aside from that damper, I had a really amazing time. See, I haven't been out in forever, but a friend of mine from Michigan is visiting New York for the New Years holiday, and he and I decided to do a little painting of the town in red. We shared a drink at a local pub, danced a little at another little hole in the wall, and then had this amazing pizza at Two Boots on Greenwich. I used to never like their pizza, but, last night, it was so good! Yummy! Maybe it was my state that can be accredited for that. I'd prefer to think that I just never really stopped to taste it before. Better. A really fun evening, that I had to cut short for myself due to needing to work today. My friend, the vacationer, proceeded on painting the town after I left him. Wonder how his night turned out?

The ironic thing is that I find myself reflecting on one side of last night's coin more than the other? The side that says, Chad, you went out without a mask to a masquerade party and got swindled, of course. Why am I consumed by that one, tiny, little part of my evening? Why is this concept of "being taken" so weighted? Is it so hard to reflect on the other side of the coin? The side that says, Chad you went out without a mask to a masquerade party and had a ball!!!!!

Questions.