Sent: 1/8/2002 12:58 PM
"..........I want to know your opinion about relationships.....from reading your journal , I know that you are not dating anyone right now.....I just think that relationships are so hard...they are almost impossible. I just dont know anyone that has been in a relationship for some time and is very happy. I think the challenge is to understand each other and of course respect each other but that is so hard. What do u think? I have been single for 2 years and it is not because I am trying to prove something but I just refuse to lower my standards. What can I say...I know what I want. I feel that I am special enought to be 100% happy........"
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Golly, relationships. That's such a hard one for me too. I don't even know where to begin. In fact, just this weekend, I was lying in my bed looking out the window, watching the stars, wondering what it would feel like to have someone next to me as I did that. I can't help but think that would be an amazing experience. But, alas, it isn't happening right now.
I'm one of those hopeless romantics that believes that there is someone out there who will just "get me", you know? Someone where it isn't a lot of work, where it's like peanut-butter and jelly. Someone that's definitely different than me, but compliments me just perfectly. I want a relationship in which conflicts may arise, but, together, we always manage to find the happy solution. I want my soul-mate. I want that person that pushes me higher than I ever thought I could fly.
Are my expectations too high? Most people would say yes, that I'm being unrealistic. (But what is realism anyway?) Everyone is quick to criticize me and say that I am being selfish waiting around for this "right" one. But, I say, if it happens, if I ever meet him, then I'll be the benefactor of my patience, and it will be so worth it! (Not to mention the benefits I will bestow on HIM! I'm not that selfish.) =)
I look around at my friends. These are also people that "get me". In a different way, of course, than a lover. Nevertheless, these people are beautiful additions to my life. Sure, we have our ups and downs, but there is the core fiber of love and connection that withstands the battles. They aren't "work".
Ahhhh - but this patience thing is so DIFFICULT! Ugh. I hate waiting. At 28, I'm feeling so very tired of not having someone. It becomes so depressing, especially when my roommate is dating someone, and they are lost in puppy-love embraces. Oh, how sad it makes me to think that I have no one that I can do that with. I have no one to hold, no one to kiss, no one to shower with emotion. Don't get me wrong, there have been great romances thus far, very intense and beautiful romances but short-lived and awkward. I would like feel like I'm ready for the intense romance that is fluid and last a life-time, but only God knows if that's the case. Maybe it's just not time. Maybe I still have some stuff to learn in life before I find it. Maybe I need to continue learning how to love myself - which is a brand new thing for me. But that's another story for another time.
Whatever the case, I just try to keep hope that he's out there somewhere. He's doing something right now. Maybe he's drinking a cup of coffee and chatting with his co-workers. Maybe he's tossing pizzas for lunch. Maybe he's teaching 2nd graders. Who knows? But someday our paths will cross, and we'll look at each other and hardly remember life without one another. Hope.
I hope this kind of gives you an idea of me and relationships and why I'm not dating anyone right now. It's not that I don't want to. I just haven't met him yet.
