CHAPTER 2 : divaD

Sent: 10/27/2001 1:00 AM

The last message that I wrote here was written at 12:43 AM. It is now, 12:43 AM again, and here I sit typing away to you.

So how are you? What's going on? I feel out of touch lately.

I had a wonderful visit with my parents - the best ever - and I sacrificed parts of my life this week because I love them so much. With some tearful hesitation, I bid them goodbye last night in front of the Orpheum after seeing Stomp. Kisses goodbye, and then we were separated. It was sad.

But, ah, then it's good to have some of those parts I sacrificed back again. Oh yes it is. LOL Ahhhh. I see where your mind is. No, no, I'm not talking about THAT! I'm talking about sleep; and being lazy in front of the television; and playing on the computer. Get your mind out of the gutter, pleeeaze!

Now, I have to try to get back into a routine of some sort. God only knows how that will progress as I continue to learn so much every day. Do you feel that way lately? Like you're learning a little bit everyday about life, the world, what's around you? It's intense for me, I must say.

But it's all good. I've got some great friends that are amazing support. YOU! Thank you for being there for me. I don't know if I say that very often, but I should. You give me a helping hand through life. You're a blessing to me. You have no idea.

CHAPTER 2 : Get Ready For the Loving of a Lifetime

Sent: 10/24/2001 1:43 AM

It's now or never.

Prepare to be loved.

BEGINNINGS : 'rents Tour

Sent: 10/21/2001 8:43 PM

It surprises me that there are those of you out there who actually enjoy reading my ramblings. If that's you, then thank you. I really don't know what to say. =)

My parents arrived in NYC on Saturday and were able to come over to my apartment and take a look at the actual little spot in this huge city that I call home. I was very excited. So excited, that I spent four hours cleaning before they arrived. It was virtually spotless. Let's just say, I even managed to surprise Leon, which says a lot!

Today we went to Riverside Church for morning services. One of the ministers got up at the pulpit and began to speak on the different social phenomenon which were displeasing to a her as loving Christian woman. One of those happened to be homo-PHOBIA! I wanted to cry in joy as I heard her, a minister, talk, in the Church of God, about how the hate against homosexuals HAS TO STOP! Praise the Lord! Furthermore, tears did spring to my eyes when I realized that I had my mom's hand in mine.

After church we went to Grant's Tomb where above it is etched in stone, "We need peace," Grant's motto of sorts. Then to Grand Central for the exhibit of UK & US Partnership: demonstrated in modern furniture, style, technology, etc. It was pretty damn cool actually.

Then they wanted to go to the World Trade Center. Then my day started feeling tired and dark. Then I wanted to go home.

I didn't do much looking around when we were down there. I don't know. There was just something disturbing about being near that location, where so many people died at one time. It seemed haunted and sad. It seemed . . . a word doesn't come to mind that would recall it from your memory banks. You'd have to see for yourself, although I do not recommend it.

After shouts from the police and army cadets that no one was allowed to take pictures, my head starting hurting, and I wanted to go. I looked towards my parents. They looked sad. Tragedy, right in front of their very own eyes. Not in a picture. Not on the television screen. Right there, mere blocks from where they stood. We left.

Down to the Statue of Liberty still standing tall, across to Battery City Park, over to the Jewish Hertiage Muesum, then back up to Grand Central Station where we accidentally almost left Dad behind as he struggled with his MetroCard in the turnstyle. "Please Swipe Again" beeped at him before it reported, "Just Used". Subway drama.

Cheesecake at The Brooklyn Diner was followed by putting my parents in a cab and wondering when I had been this tired last? Was it when Tara came to visit?

To bed with me. Have a super day!

BEGINNINGS : Awful

Sent: 10/19/2001 5:54 PM

This last couple of days have been AWFUL. I don't know if I'm just anxious because my parents are coming or if I'm just annoyed with everything that's going on in the world or if I'm just disenchanted with the whole dating thing or if I'm just overwhelmed with all the tasks I'm having to complete at work or what. Okay. So, it's probably a combination of all of those, but, nevertheless, it's made for an exhausting and depressing past few days. So much so that I haven't seen my friends all week. It has sucked.

Last night, I got home from work, put in my Jars of Clay CD, sobbed a little, zoned a little, and then went to bed deciding that I should become a monk. Not fun.

Fortunately, this is Friday and the vast weekend looms before me with great possibilities. Mom and Dad will be here tomorrow and are planning on coming out to the apartment for the afternoon which is so exciting for me. They haven't been to visit me in NYC in 5 years! My life has evolved so much since then that they will get to see New York through new eyes.

I must close for now. My friend Paul and his girlfriend Shirley are here, and we are going for afterwork drinks. Until later . . .\

P.S. As for becoming a monk, well, let's just say I was quite the drama queen last evening.

BEGINNINGS : The Little Things

Sent: 10/17/2001 12:28 PM

I cannot get to work on time. It's something that I've just always had a really hard time doing. Even if I wake up at 4:00 a.m., I'm still bound to get to work late. I'll miss a bus. The Triborough Bridge will be closed for inspection. My bus will stop at every stop along the way.

Well, I'm beginning to get on my nerves with the late thing. Granted, it was fun for a while, being perpetually late, but now - when I WANT to get to work on time and can't - well, it's just damn annoying.

So here's the plan, in case you were wondering:

1. Go to bed earlier.

2. Get up earlier.

3. Get a new alarm clock.

4. Put the new alarm clock on the other side of my room.

5. Get another new alarm clock.

6. Put that new alarm clock on the other side of the other side of my room.

7. Take the subway instead of the bus. =( I love the bus.

As you can see from the above, it looks like my problem is sleep. My body has absolutley no desire to wake once it has fallen asleep until exactly 8 hours later.

Any suggestions? (Besides growing up and being responsible.) =)

BEGINNINGS : the new american

Sent: 10/14/2001 10:15 PM

“the new american"

Shadows of wings
of missile-clad, military aircraft
fly across the wet reflections
of my human
on the shower floor.

I sigh at what they’re there for.

Black box static
in rich american technicolor:
“deTHpiKable acts, no mercy”
segregates me
from my planet, Earth.

I mourn for Sylvester’s bird.

Shower drops fall
with tears of empathy for my brothers:
friend, partner, kinfolk, lover who
jumped like lab rats
from the guillotine.

I repent my brother’s sin.

My Soul cries out
in pain for humanity, the end near.
My terrified child, bound and gagged,
wriggles escape.
He stands and preaches.

I listen to his teachings:

“Break from shower
shadows! Flush the black box and dry away
your woes! Take from me your wings. To
them give new life.
Set our angel free;

Be strong, feel love, show mercy!”

BEGINNINGS : sunday afternoon thoughts

Sent: 10/14/2001 2:59 PM

my mom and dad are coming to visit soon. i have to say that i'm really excited about that. it will be nice to see them, especially following everything that has happened. i could use a couple of big hugs.

leon's birthday was on friday. nezerly, c., leon, and i headed to limelight after a quick drink with m. (protecting the innocent). we had a great time. lots of dancing, chilling, laughing. There were only exactly four distressed sighs during the evening due to the four fights that broke out at the club. New York is tense let me tell you. With America on Red Alert from other attacks (besides an anthrax case mentioned here as well), we, New Yorkers are a little on edge - and that's more than usual. Not too much fun actually.

But what can you do but just keep hanging in there. Death doesn't scare me. It may take me from the world, but it won't subtract me from life.

BEGINNINGS : just flabberghasted

Sent: 10/10/2001 8:29 PM

i don't know what to tell you really. i'm perplexed. i'm at a loss for what to do. i went to a speakout for peace tonight only to discover that no one had shown up yet. by 7:30 p.m. (it was supposed to start at 7:00 p.m.) i gave up and came home. it IS possible that those 7 people in a circle shooting shit WERE the peace speakout; however, i was uninspired by their cliche. that's awful, huh?

and the war wages on

work is good actually. i'm finding myself keeping really busy doing my job so as to not have time to ponder what's going on in the world. now that's one way to get increased work performance out of an employee. at any rate, it's going well, and i'm really getting the hang of it, which is exciting. of course, i still find time to worry.

and the war wages on

oh my. my love life? well that's non-existent at the moment. i don't know, i just can't seem to go out looking anymore. if it's going to happen, then it's going to happen to me, because, right now, i'm far from searching.

and yet this damn war wages on, and i don't know how to stop it, and i don't guess i can, so i'm going to have to continue pushing for its end to be sooner rather than later. very soon. we need peace guys. we need to start loving one another.

i'm going to make a bold leap here and encourage each one of you to really start loving each other out there. it seems hard at first. talking to a stranger. smiling at the lady with the baby. but once i did it, it was a breeze. days filled with love my friend. some days will be better than others, that goes without saying, but when they're lived through to the end with love, well, those days are the best. How'd you like the rest of your days to be the best? They can be. All you have to do is be in love with every human being on the earth. Feel every pain, happiness, hunger, generosity. Look around you. Look at the people you work with, go out with in the evening, see on the street, in a bus, on the subway, in a passing car, look at them and know that they ARE somebody going somewhere doing something with their lives. And, damnit, love them for living this rough life just like you are. If I sound preachy or naive, then let me. Just think about it.

It's sounds cliche, but love IS the key. Let your heart be heard. Bring it into conciousness. It's telling you something. It's screaming to your rational brain. It's saying something. so listen. just stop, and listen.

by the way, let me know what you hear.

BEGINNINGS : Human Nature

Sent: 10/8/2001 3:44 PM

Human Nature. That's the buzz word I've been hearing lately. I hear a lot of, "Yes, I agree with you, but you are overlooking human nature." Am I? What is human nature exactly? And is war just human nature? Is war something that we, as human beings, are unable to prevent because it IS us? Is that "just the way the world is"?

To tell you the truth, I'm tired of us always justifying the bad things in the world by saying, "Well, that's just the way things are." I'm sick of hearing that "life isn't fair" when it could at least be a little more fair than it is now. Why do we accept these statements? Why do we allow ourselves to stop dreaming of a better way? There has to be a better way for us ALL to live.

Can we find it? Please say you have hope that we can.

BEGINNINGS : Boyz

Sent: 10/4/2001 2:04 PM

Man, I pick the worst guys ever. I don't know how it happens that the guys that I find attractive and connect with end up being the biggest jerks on the face of the earth. Blah. Well, I don't have time for boys anyway. I'm much, much too busy. However, it would be nice to have someone to snuggle with on one of those exhausting days. Nevertheless, when it's time, it will be time. No rush.